Review Summary: Hooray for more predictable shit
On a late June episode of
The Pontonator, I took you step by step through the reasons why Allstar Weekend’s mid-2010 release, the seven-song
Suddenly, was utterly sh
it. Wasn't that fun? Guess what I get to do for Allstar Weekend's actual first full-length, the brilliantly titled
Suddenly Yours?
I’ll get serious, though. I mean, yeah, those same seven songs from June’s
Suddenly return here again, so that means, altogether, the Disney dudes have only come up with four new songs to warm our (little sisters’) cravings for this stuff. And yeah, those four new songs really mean little in the grab scheme of
Suddenly Yours; because “Catching Up” cycles gay keyboard jingles, boy-band vocals, and obnoxious hooks just as much as a classic like, say, “Hey, Princess” does (and the other nine songs as well). But Allstar Weekend deserve another chance.
Well, at least I think they do anyway.
You could go the way of taking your first impression of the album art, like I did with
Suddenly, and then predict what
Suddenly Yours sounds like. You could – four good-looking dudes that most of the Disney Channel-lurkers around here drool over; it's not that hard. But that’s not fair. Or you could just listen to the hit single(s) from this thing: “A Different Side of Me”, “Dance Forever”, etc. Yes, you could do that as well. But you wouldn’t get a fair picture of what the whole album sounds like (actually you would, but I’m talking about the
literal whole album here). Or, professionally, you could just listen to
Suddenly Yours all the way through and come out of it with what is likely to be the general critic consensus on this album:
Suddenly Yours is, indeed, despite your hopes and dreams (and your sister’s), utterly sh
it.
Why, you ask? Allstar Weekend obviously haven’t changed their pairing of
Jonas Brothers and
Metro Station for direct parent influences in just four months (or in just four new songs). And if you know anything about gooey pop-rock choruses, obnoxious keyboards, and vocals dripping in sweet-honey-causing tooth decay, you know
Suddenly Yours. Like, I guess you could give props to Allstar Weekend for getting
sexual on their Disney audience, though, via the relatively graphic “Can’t Sleep Tonight”: “
After lunch we take the top down / I go to touch / You put your guard down”. But that’s as interesting as this gets, sadly. Like seriously. The hooks only extend into the “Oh God, don’t play that, please. I don’t want that in my head!” realm of catchiness – i.e. you certainly won’t enjoy
Suddenly Yours or want to sing along to it in the least.
For a pop-rock album, no matter the audience intended, this is a detrimental problem.
That famous line from June’s “Clock Runs Out” hits so hard with truth once again for
Suddenly Yours, as it did for
Suddenly before it: ”
You look good on the outside, but I know you’re not cool”. These guys may be good-looking for the ladies - sure, why not? - but no matter how much of a fair chance you give their (admittedly predictable) music, you’ll come out of listening to
Suddenly Yours with several cavities and earaches, and you will likely suffer nights filled with nightmares of singer Zachary Porter serenading your sister(s). Sure, Allstar Weekend might have deserved a chance for their first full-length - and gee-golly-damn, I sure as hell gave them one! But just do yourself a favor and take my word for it: please avoid.
