Eurovision Entries Scored |
1 | | Haustor Bolero
CROATIA
Baby Lasagna - Rim Tim Tagi Dim
I'm not a fan of the actual song on this one, it mostly sounds like the lamest Rammstein b-side ever. But there are some serious performance chops here and it def has camp appeal. Love the costumes too.
EUROVISION RATING: 4/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.5/5
FINAL SCORE: C+ |
2 | | Paysage d'Hiver Paysage d'Hiver
SWITZERLAND
Nemo - The Code
Undeniably catchy in places, but that rap verse is beyond terrible. Loved to see how many tracks had a dance influence this year, but this was ruined by that one moment. However this mishmash of every thing under the sun is pure camp bait and with the visuals too this is nailed on to be a high placer.
EUROVISION RATING:4.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2/5
FINAL SCORE: C |
3 | | White Ward False Light
UKRAINE
alyona alyona & Jerry Heil - Teresa & Maria
Another boring as hell entry from Ukraine which will inevitably score high for political reasons and not for it's quality. Literally sounds like corporate advert pop rap and the performance is completely uninspiring too.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.0/5
FINAL SCORE: D- |
4 | | Lucio Battisti Anima latina
ITALY
Angelina Mango - La Noia
I wish the performance of this had more energy because everything else is peak aesthetic, those costumes are gorgeous. Song's not bad too, bit more latin than I would expect from Italy, but it works, quite like this one.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.0/5
FINAL SCORE: B |
5 | | The Gathering Souvenirs
NETHERLANDS
Joost - Europapa
Absolute scandal this was disqualified because he reacted to a scummy reporter making fun of his dead parents. And this being one of the best submissions of the whole competition makes it even more scandalous. Amazing visuals and aesthetic. Pretty great slice of eurodance too. Watch them rig the votes for Israel now...
EUROVISION RATING: 4.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.5/5
FINAL SCORE: A |
6 | | ABBA Waterloo
SWEDEN
Marcus & Martinus - Unforgettable
Ironically, a pretty forgettable slice of progressive house with generic vocals. Performance uninspiring. A pretty weak host attempt and especially weak on the 50th anniversary of ABBA.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.5/5
FINAL SCORE: D+ |
7 | | Contrastic Contrastic
CZECHIA
Aiko - Pedestal
It's fine. It's obvious why this didn't get through the semis though. Generic pop punk which is not Eurovision-pilled at all, and a pretty lifeless performance.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.5/5
FINAL SCORE: D+ |
8 | | Mika Life in Cartoon Motion
UNITED KINGDOM
Olly Alexander - Dizzy
I love that Danny L Harle wrote this. I hate that it kinda sucks. The intro is so close to a Mika song and not in the good campy way. Other than that there is no energy in the song either. However the performance and aesthetic is really solid. It certainly makes me think that we might actually be taking Eurovision a bit more seriously given this and the Sam Ryder one a couple years back, but we're not quite there yet.
EUROVISION RATING: 3.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.5/5
FINAL SCORE: C |
9 | | Rome Flowers From Exile
LUXEMBOURG
TALI - Fighter
Luxembourg has an amazing legacy in Eurovision (France Gall anyone?).So why does their first entry in 30 years suck so much ass? Seriously this is lame as hell, and that's even without the accusations of this being a love letter to the fucking IDF. Weak as fuck.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1.5/5
FINAL SCORE: F |
10 | | Alina Orlova Laukinis suo dingo
LITHUANIA
Silvester Belt - Luktelk
Lovely slice of dark techno-pop, this one's a dark horse for me, could sneak in quite high. Great performance and visuals, and what it maybe lacks a little in memorability it makes up for in style.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.5/5
FINAL SCORE: B |
11 | | Fennesz Endless Summer
AUSTRIA
Kaleen - We Will Rave
Very strong showing, love the trance and eurodance representation this year and this is the pick of the bunch. Even has a great big beat acid sequence in there. Definitely a massive contender if I was the judge. Perfrormance really solid in the semi too.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 4.0/5
FINAL SCORE: A+ |
12 | | Kraftwerk Computer World
GERMANY
ISAAK - Always on the Run
I think Germany accidentally sent the UK's entry this year. This is absolute trash. Sounds like a really shitty 2012 'indie' pop song. This should get 0 points.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1,0/5
FINAL SCORE: F |
13 | | Yannis Kyriakides Antichamber
CYPRUS
Silia Kapsis - Liar
Pretty meh track, but idk this has a cuntiness to it and she definitely serves with her stage presence. Not enough to do great though. Still, pretty impressive for a 17 year old.
EUROVISION RATING: 3.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.5/5
FINAL SCORE: C- |
14 | | Oathbreaker Rheia
BELGIUM
Mustii - Before the Party's Over
Proof being a big name country doesn't guarantee success, this very deservedly did not make the final. Unbearably flat and weak songwriting and his vocals are equally so. Visuals were nice but not nearly nice enough.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1,5/5
FINAL SCORE: D- |
15 | | U2 War
IRELAND
Bambie Thug - Doomsday Blue
One of the most unique and exciting Eurovision entries ever, and one of the best performances ever in the semis. If this doesn't get top 3 something is seriously wrong. This just GETS Eurovision, it's out-there and abrasively so, it's camp and it's energetic. Great song too. Glad to see Ireland getting back to form.
EUROVISION RATING: 5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 4.0/5
FINAL SCORE: A+ |
16 | | Mgla Exercises in Futility
POLAND
LUNA - The Tower
An alright song that just doesn't fit Eurovision at all. Played very straight and pretty lowkey, with none of the campiness or quirkiness necessary, and a pretty subpar performance destined this to semis elimination. Oh well.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.5/5
FINAL SCORE: D |
17 | | Daft Punk Homework
FRANCE
Slimane - Mon amour
Boring fucking ballad. Booo!
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1.5/5
FINAL SCORE: F |
18 | | Aphrodite's Child 666
GREECE
Marina Satti - ZARI
The best track that's destined to be overlooked. Also like, the best track. Sure it's Greek Rosalia. But Greek Rosalia absolutely serves. Really fun performance too, and a great music video for anyone who cares to check it out.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 4.5/5
FINAL SCORE: A+ |
19 | | Rosalia Motomami
SPAIN
Nebulossa - Zorra
Lowkey but in a good way, an earworm and a half. Not a super lively performance, but this seems to be a fan favourite, and I can see why - those dancers are great. And I'm always up for good synthpop.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.5/5
FINAL SCORE: B |
20 | | Iceage Plowing into the Field of Love
DENMARK
Saba - Sand
Might be the weakest synthpop song I've ever heard and the performance in the semis was weak as hell. No wonder they went out.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1.5/5
FINAL SCORE: F |
21 | | Lordi The Arockalypse
FINLAND
Windows95man - No Rules!
A poor imitation of cheesy over-the-top eurodance worship. Rips it's whole shit from Gunther. It's still fun I guess and it's a decent performance, but this is one of the worst executions of this style I've seen.
EUROVISION RATING: 3.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.0/5
FINAL SCORE: D+ |
22 | | Yasnost The Minsk Sea
GEORGIA
NUTSA - Fire Fighter
Incredibly dated song, but this gets by with an excellent performance in the semis. Don't expect this to do much in the final and it doesn't deserve to, but an entertaining visual affair.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.o/5
FINAL SCORE: C- |
23 | | Apotheosis Farthest from the Sun
MALTA
Sarah Bonnici - Loop
Copy-paste the Georgia entry but this didn't make it and was slightly worse in each aspect.
EUROVISION RATING: 3.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.0/5
FINAL SCORE: D- |
24 | | Tigran Hamasyan Mockroot
ARMENIA
LADANIVA - Jako
One of the more distinct and authentically culturally inspired here, Suffers a little from not being camp enough but it's good clean fun otherwise.
EUROVISION RATING: 3.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.5/5
FINAL SCORE: B |
25 | | Violet Cold Empire of Love
AZERBAIJAN
FAHREE & Ilkin Dovlatov - Özünlə apar
Well that's an obvious semis elimination if I've ever seen one. The background vocals in the second half are a nice touch but nothing else stands out at all.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.0/5
FINAL SCORE: D- |
26 | | Todd Terje It's Album Time
NORWAY
Gåte - Ulveham
Nothing to say on this one other than it actually goes. Dark metallic folk rock is certainly a choice but they pull it off great. Will not win because it isn't campy enough but an excellent entry otherwise.
EUROVISION RATING: 3.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 4.0/5
FINAL SCORE: A- |
27 | | Pia Fraus In Solarium
ESTONIA
5MIINUST & Puuluup - (nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi
Amazingly fun track and obviously these guys get Eurovision. Might not win but they crafted an incredibly infectious chorus and a very lively performance. One for the live crowd to jump to.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.5/5
FINAL SCORE: A |
28 | | Elina Duni Partir
ALBANIA
BESA - Titan
Not the worst but nothing memorable about this at all. In a year of synthpop she needed more than this to get through semis and didn't have it in the performance.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.0/5
FINAL SCORE: D- |
29 | | Men at Work Business as Usual
AUSTRALIA
Electric Fields - One Milkali (One Blood)
Song is actually alright, but the performance for this one was really weak. Australia still suffering from teething problems since their honourary inclusion.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.0/5
FINAL SCORE: C |
30 | | Idoli Odbrana i poslednji dani
SERBIA
Teya Dora - Ramonda
Good vocals, mediocre everything else. No energy in visuals or performance either. Not sure how this got past semis.
EUROVISION RATING: 2,5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.0/5
FINAL SCORE: D |
31 | | Bruno Pernadas Those Who Throw Objects at the Crocodiles...
PORTUGAL
iolanda - Grito
Pretty solid song, but this just isn't Eurovisionny enough for me. Like it outside that context though.
EUROVISION RATING: 2,5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 3.0/5
FINAL SCORE: C |
32 | | Alchimia (SAN) Another Star Is Approaching the Sun
SAN MARINO
Megara - 11:11
Amazingly bad. Badly amazing. This was a song. This is very Eurovision. Shame it didn't make the final just for that.
EUROVISION RATING: 4.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.0/5
FINAL SCORE: C+ |
33 | | Orphaned Land Mabool (The Story of the Three Sons...)
ISRAEL
Eden Golan - Hurricane
Not gonna dignify this one with a rating.
EUROVISION RATING: -/5
ACTUAL SONG: -/5
FINAL SCORE: N/A |
34 | | Domenique Dumont Comme ça
LATVIA
Dons - Hollow
You're just a shit Hozier. Wait a second. You're just a shitter Hozier. How did this get past semis?
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1.5/5
FINAL SCORE: F |
35 | | Devil Doll The Girl Who Was... Death
SLOVENIA
Raiven - Veronika
A bit too melodramatic and tryhard 'epic' for my tastes, but great vocal performance and was an obvious pick in the semis. Can't see it doing much in the finals though.
EUROVISION RATING: 3.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 2.5/5
FINAL SCORE: C+ |
36 | | O-Zone Disc-O Zone
MOLDOVA
Natalia Barbu - In the Middle
This is a load of nothing and about a decade late. Obvious elimination.
EUROVISION RATING: 2.0/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1.5/5
FINAL SCORE: F |
37 | | Bjork Post
ICELAND
Hera Björk - Scared of Everything
Singlehandedly tanking the Björk name worldwide. Possibly the worst non-Israel song entered, which is a shame because her previous entry wasn't bad at all.
EUROVISION RATING: 1.5/5
ACTUAL SONG: 1.0/5
FINAL SCORE: F- |
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