SPUT RETAKE: Apple Top 100
Almost everyone turned their nose up at the Apple Top 100 for mostly obvious reasons, but where is the real list. HUH? Where is the real nu-canon? How do you game a list like that correctly? Well, uh, lfg, not putting too much thought into this: just starting at 100 and powering through, not changing anything retrospectively (though will be brainstorming albums to throw in higher up the list as they occur to me). Methodology is 75% corporate cosplay/plebcanon pandering, 25% whatever the fuck. Let's go... |
| 100 |  | Taylor Swift
Red
100. Taylor Swift - Red
2012
Ex-country pop
Let's get this one out of the way asap. Og takes precedence, but this is one of the only picks where opting for the Taylor's Version doesn't make you look like a pandering stooge, man this list is going to be generous. |
| 99 |  | 100 Gecs
1000 gecs
99. 100 gecs - 1000 gecs
2019
Krank hyperpop
Generational edgecred |
| 98 |  | Willie Nelson
Red Headed Stranger
98. Willie Nelson - Red Headed Stranger
1975
Country
Generational oldworld pander to offset the last two entries, now count how many times the list mentions country again from hereon out! |
| 97 |  | Blondie
Parallel Lines
97. Blondie - Parallel Lines
1978
New wave / pop rock
Vanilla filler pick |
| 96 |  | The Flaming Lips
The Soft Bulletin
96. The Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
1999
Psych pop
Snubbable critical darling, but here for a little early hipster credit that the rest of the list will inevitably sell out on |
| 95 |  | TWICE
Formula of Love: O+T=<3
95. TWICE - Formula of Love: O+T=3
2021
K-Pop
Korea pander |
| 94 |  | Frank Ocean
Blonde
94. Frank Ocean - Blonde
2016
R&B
Another one we're just gonna get out of the way asap |
| 93 |  | Billie Holiday
Lady In Satin
93. Billie Holiday - Lady in Satin
1958
Vocal Jazz
>approving nod from the entire readerbase
>none of them have heard this
>I haven't heard this (love her though!) |
| 92 |  | Madvillain
Madvillainy
92. Madvillain - Madvillainy
2004
Hip hop
Hip hop critical pander that will impress absolutely no one ("SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE TOP 50") even though it's secretly obvious that someone on the selection panel went out of their way to muscle this in over the objections of everyone else in the room ("I hear you man, there's just no arguing with Drake's numbers..."), look just be grateful this wasn't a Nujabes record |
| 91 |  | Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds
Tender Prey
91. Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Tender Prey
1988
Post punk fuck blues
Didn't mean to sequence Billie/Madvillain/this, three individually uncontroversial records, in the order most likely to make any self-respecting (ew) music history snob throw a fit, but that is the magic of canon |
| 90 |  | Nick Drake
Pink Moon
90. Nick Drake - Pink Moon
1972
Folk
Universally loved obvious pick to bring things down to earth |
| 89 |  | The Killers
Hot Fuss
89. The Killers - Hot Fuss
2004
Pop rock
...and having said that, in we go with the '00s radio pick most likely to make every critic in the house sigh and poptimist in the building launch into a "no not like that!" tantrum. Don't you worry, I can still hear the cheering from the back! |
| 88 |  | John Lee Hooker
It Serves You Right to Suffer
88. John Lee Hooker - It Serves You Right to Suffer
1966
Blues
Lists like this are traditionally way too short of soul to pull of more than a couple of token blues inclusions, so let's get this one out of the way here. Back-to-back placement with the Killers is exactly the what-even-is-this-bullshit whiplash a proper Objective GOAT 100 List (stupid idea) *should* be giving you. Should have put the Killers in front of it tbh, but no looking back! |
| 87 |  | Tyler, the Creator
IGOR
87. Tyler, the Creator - IGOR
2019
Neo-soul
aaaand we're back to greasing the wheels of the contemp canonwagon |
| 86 |  | Deafheaven
Sunbather
86. Deafheaven - Sunbather
2013
Blackened crescendogaze
This gives me absolutely no pleasure, but there was no way this list would be made with more than 1-2 token metal albums and not have this as a token inclusion (and don't you dare tempt me with the argument that no metal at all might have been preferable) |
| 85 |  | Lorde
Pure Heroine
85. Lorde - Pure Heroine
2013
Pop
One of the few things the Apple List got 100% right -- this was more groundbreaking, more influential, and imo will have a more enduring legacy than Melodrama (even if that was the perfect mainstream pop record for its time (a poisoned chalice, it turned out)). The groundwork it laid for the morose alt pop currently raking it in at the top of the commercial pyramid doesn't get enough appreciation, and its strongest songs are far more enduring statements and personality mappings than the ephemeral coming-of-age rush on Melodrama. It is also inconsistent and homogenous, and belongs absolutely not one spot above the bottom 20.
Also what's this deal with accidentally gravitating to certain years (2004, 2013, 2019) for this list? I don't mean it, I swear! |
| 84 |  | Lady Gaga
The Fame Monster
84. Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster
2008
Pop
Alright, the Apple list was also kinda based for this. |
| 83 |  | Kanye West
Graduation
83. Kanye West - Graduation
2007
Hip hop
Another one we're just gonna get out of the way ASAP. This placement is entirely unmotivated by commercial pandering or tacit distance from the 10s->20s decline of the artist's platform, and I anticipate zero blowback for it haaaokay |
| 82 |  | Hikaru Utada
Deep River
82. Utada Hikaru - Deep River
2002
R&B / J-Pop
Japan pander (obviously I don't actually believe that the solution to the stifling Western focus on Apple's list and countless other is a demeaning one-album-per-country policy, all afforded miserly bottom-20 placement, but this list is is corporate cosplay and we're dishing out the absolute bare minimum to tick that box) |
| 81 |  | Faye Wong
Sing and Play
81. Faye Wong - 唱遊 (Chàngyóu)
1998
C-Pop / Downtempo / Dream Pop
...on which note, China pander -- and in this corporation, that's a full house for Asia. You had a good run. |
| 80 |  | Kool Keith
Sex Style
80. Kool Keith - Sex Style
1997
Hip hop
There are so many arguments why this doesn't belong on a list like this, and if you're sat there making any of them, you ain't deserve music. |
| 79 |  | Black Sabbath
Black Sabbath
79. Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath
1970
Heavy metal
Alright, I promised y'all more metal, now let's see how I can make as many people as possible happy with that promise in the most unimaginative way possible |
| 78 |  | Rage Against the Machine
Rage Against the Machine
78. Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
1992
Funk metal
...and just to reinforce how little any monocultural critical body cares for metal purism, here's Rage (a tbqh based inclusion in the Apple list) one place above Sabbath. Don't look at me -- if I were pandering to *you*, I'd have Master of Reality in the top 50 with no questions asked |
| 77 |  | Fela Kuti
Zombie
77. Fela Kuti - Zombie
1977
Afrobeat
There's no way this would appear on a real list in any position that didn't make everyone happy to see it scream that it should be far higher, so here you fucking go... |
| 76 |  | My Chemical Romance
The Black Parade
76. My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
2006
Alternative Rock
...and on a real list, a legendary record like Zombie would be followed by a hideously sequenced populist record like this, but in this case it is a based pick and you will all have to deal with it. |
| 75 |  | Herbie Hancock
Empyrean Isles
75. Herbie Hancock - Empyrean Isles
1964
Jazz
One thing *everyone* can agree on is that the Apple list had a brutal shortage of jazz. Addressing this as uncontroversially as possible was a leading concern here are Well_corp, but picking a lowest placement record from classic bop/cool/spiritual jazz that was a) universally loved and recognisable, but also b) just a slight cut below the other obvious classics we'll get to soon was a tough ask. Empyrean Isles covers all bases, straddling the ballparks of Ah I Get It and Did That Need To Be Here? just enough to show that our commitment to jazz is, uh, real and not at all calculated. Yes. Good album. |
| 74 |  | The Velvet Underground
The Velvet Underground & Nico
74. The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground & Nico
1967
Proto-punk
So when I said that the M.O. for this list wasn't 100% corporate cosplay, what I really meant was that I needed precisely enough leeway to dump TVU+N at an insultingly low placement, follow it with at least two insultingly mismatched albums, and get the lizardman mask back on before anyone had a chance to complain. Had to hold my nose almost as much as Sunbather on this one. |
| 73 |  | Grimes
Art Angels
73. Grimes - Art Angels
2015
Dork pop
Elon Musk pander late-stage capitalist moment |
| 72 |  | Azealia Banks
Broke With Expensive Taste
72. Azealia Banks - Broke With Expensive Taste
2014
Hip hop
...and then a desperate clawback because damn does a good corporate music exec know how to play both sides |
| 71 |  | Sigur Ros
( )
71. Sigur Ros - ( )
2002
Post-rock
Iceland pander |
| 70 |  | Aretha Franklin
I Never Loved A Man The Way I Love You
70. Aretha Franklin - I Never Loved A Man The Way I Love You
1967
Soul
Cold consensus take to restore some measure of sanity to this portion of the list |
| 69 |  | Curtis Mayfield
Superfly
69. Curtis Mayfield - Superfly
1972
Funk
...and suddenly everyone is nodding along happily again |
| 68 |  | The Notorious B.I.G.
Ready to Die
68. The Notorious B.I.G. - Ready to Die
1994
Hip hop
Haven't had a cold take classic hip hop record in a hot minute, so here's another pander |
| 67 |  | Portishead
Dummy
67. Portishead - Dummy
1994
Trip-hop
No explanation needed for this one. Dummy being high enough up that it could conceivably have made the top half of the list (where it belongs), but being low enough to rub in that it very much did not get there feels about right for an Apple tribute |
| 66 |  | Isaac Hayes
Hot Buttered Soul
66. Isaac Hayes - Hot Buttered Soul
1969
Soul
This is one that no one asked for, no one deserved, and literally no one is going to complain about |
| 65 |  | Sufjan Stevens
Illinois
65. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois
2005
Indie folk
A fairly token pick, and one that I'm surprised (though not super disappointed) to see Apple snub. Stepping out of the cosplay for a moment, I know how much *this* site would yell at me for missing it, so here you fucking go. A List Like This would probably have it from anything to 20 places higher to 20 places lower |
| 64 |  | Aphex Twin
Selected Ambient Works 85-92
64. Aphex Twin - Selected Ambient Works 85-92
1993
IDM / ambient
Somewhat token and not nearly my pick for best Aphex, but this list is about making NERDS feel SEEN. Just be grateful it doesn't have an Autechre album here instead |
| 63 |  | Bjork
Homogenic
63. Bjork - Homogenic
1997
Art pop
Sure, the albums either side might be better in their respective ways, but this is the most comprehensive and (probably) accessible showcase of everything that Bjork used to be outstanding at -- and as much as I'd roll my eyes if someone said this, she is one of those artists that a list like this *has* to have if it's going to be worth a damn outside of pop bait (and I think the Apple list had that aspiration?) Just a little annoyed I forgot to place it in front of whatever Kate Bush record ends up showing up. Is this placement a snub? Lol fuck yourself |
| 62 |  | Neil Young
After the Gold Rush
62. Neil Young - After the Gold Rush
1970
Folk
Gonna slip in another mandatory inclusion that I currently have zero personal opinion on right about heeeere |
| 61 |  | The Prodigy
The Fat of the Land
61. The Prodigy - The Fat of the Land
1997
Breaks
The establishment of the last decade seems to have lost the vim it would have needed to uphold the Prodigy once the 90s zeitgeist had fully faded away, or to defend them without getting tongue-tied over misogyny apologism that (in this case) literally no one else in the world gave a toss about. This corporation thinks otherwise! |
| 60 |  | Sex Pistols
Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols
60. Sex Pistols - Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols
1977
Punk
Here for the same stupid reasons as The Fat of the Land, with far less owed to quality of bangers and far more to stupid postulation. This is a Top 100 list. |
| 59 |  | Nas
Illmatic
59. Nas - Illmatic
1994
Hip hop
Calculated damage control for anyone who turned their nose up at the last two picks but wants to pretend they have an edge |
| 58 |  | Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto
Getz/Gilberto
58. Stan Getz and Joao Gilberto - Getz/Gilberto
1964
Jazz / bossa nova
The vast legacy, influence and absolutely universal palatability (there's not an event in the world you can't host with this on) of this record are gonna be, uh, vastly offset by the fact that it's the only attempt this naff American moneylist will make at a Brazil pander |
| 57 |  | Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin IV
57. Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin IV
1971
Hard rock
About as low as I can get this one while ticking the box on it without making it look too much like a pointed backhand. Let 'er down gently, team. |
| 56 |  | Metallica
Master of Puppets
56. Metallica - Master of Puppets
1986
Thrash metal
a) I think this record genuinely does deserve to make any list of this kind at approximately this placement,
b) I am very aware that a list like this would 100% have it as its highest-ranked metal album,
c) I have a feeling there are 1 or maybe 2 metal albums left to rank here, but
d) I have no idea what the shit they are right now. Stay posted. m/? |
| 55 |  | Massive Attack
Mezzanine
55. Massive Attack - Mezzanine
1998
Trip-hop
This feels like approx the right placement for a soulless pander list vaguely trying to do the right thing (which is also why it's ahead of Dummy - this one's paranoia and sleaze trumps that one's soul ten times out of ten on a board like this) |
| 54 |  | King Crimson
In the Court of the Crimson King
54. King Crimson - In the Court of the Crimson King
1969
Prog rock
One of the more grievous omissions from the Apple list. You cannot pander to the rock canon (however slightly) and not include this |
| 53 |  | A Tribe Called Quest
The Low End Theory
53. A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory
1991
Hip hop
Of all the hip hop panders on the list, this is probably the one I feel worst about not having heard tbh. Will address this soon. |
| 52 |  | Pixies
Doolittle
52. Pixies - Doolittle
1989
Indie rock
If you swipe one 90s scuzzy alternative/indie darling with enough legacy, influence, gloss, hooks and ongoing beloved kool kid points, it's, uh this one. This one right here from 1989. Fuck that half-baked Surfer Rosa bullshit (which ironically I think would be more likely to end up on a real version of this list) -- sometimes the palatable option is actually the correct choice. |
| 51 |  | Death
Scream Bloody Gore
51. Death - Scream Bloody Gore
1987
Death metal
The sole trv-ish metal album of the list, and, uh, yes it's 50% only here because it started an entire genre that still exists [s]in mostly zombie form[/s] (is what I told the panel!) and 50% here as a direct pander, but the REAL main reason is the made the cut is to reinforce that this corporation will always follow the money no matter what. And so, without further ado, I present to you the 50th best album of all time...: |
| 50 |  | Linkin Park
Hybrid Theory
50. Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory
2000
Nu-metal
Uh yes Linkin Park is the final and highest-placed metal band on this list. We are all coping and thriving. YES this would have been substantially lower on the list had it occurred to me earlier, but it did not. Tell me that isn't providence. |
| 49 |  | Beyonce
Lemonade
49. Beyonce - Lemonade
2016
Pop / R&B / hip hop
Made it to the top 50, time to tick Beyonce off the list |
| 48 |  | Miles Davis
Kind of Blue
48. Miles Davis - Kind of Blue
1959
Jazz
and if Linkin Park/Beyonce/Miles Davis doesn't underscore what a stupid fucking enterprise this is, I can do no more |
| 47 |  | The Jimi Hendrix Experience
Electric Ladyland
47. The Jimi Hendrix Experience - Electric Ladyland
1968
Blues rock / psych
Quick moment of (incredibly drugged-up) sobriety, before... |
| 46 |  | Carly Rae Jepsen
Emotion
46. Carly Rae Jepsen - Emotion
2015
Pop
Uh yes, so the Apple list pandered hard to LDR-school poptimism and this list is pandering hard to CRJ-school poptimism. I am sorry, and yes I *will* hold your hand while you cope. |
| 45 |  | Charli XCX
Charli
45. Charli XCX - Charli
2019
Pop
There. Let's get all that stupid shit out of our system here and now. |
| 44 |  | Justin Timberlake
The 20/20 Experience
44. Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience
2013
R&B / Pop
And don't let me hear another word about forgetting to pander to y'all poptimist trash |
| 43 |  | Janet Jackson
Rhythm Nation 1814
43. Janet Jackson - Rhythm Nation 1814
1989
R&B / Pop
Would personally have gone with Janet or maybe The Velvet Rope over this and put it a fair distance higher, but then I remembered that the American canon still has a stick up its arse about Janet Jackson and best-of lists (she must be on all of them and near the top of none of them -- who can complain then?!), for reasons I cannot recall. The fact that this is one place above Justin Timberlake is absolutely zero reflection of this. |
| 42 |  | The Cure
Disintegration
42. The Cure - Disintegration
1989
Gothic rock
Obligatory inclusion for (mostly) the right reasons |
| 41 |  | Depeche Mode
Violator
41. Depeche Mode - Violator
1990
Synthpop
[2] ain't no one gonna object to this. |
| 40 |  | OutKast
ATLiens
40. OutKast - ATLiens
1996
Hip hop
Would personally have put this several places higher, but this would be BIASED and FALSE and, uh, the panel have decided that this is exactly where OutKast belong. Just don't give me any of that bullshit Aquemini-is-better chitchat. |
| 39 |  | The Beach Boys
Pet Sounds
39. The Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
1966
Pop
Getting this out the way as soon as we hit the 40s might look cynical and dismissive, but (uh) it is exactly the same as dropping Beyonce as soon as we hit the 50s, or putting Led Zeppelin wherever the fuck they were. Depreciate that shit. |
| 38 |  | Green Day
American Idiot
38. Green Day - American Idiot
2004
Pop punk
Now *here's* an album that needs no introduction. Should probably have been an either/or between this and the Black Parade, and yet and yet |
| 37 |  | Elliott Smith
Either/Or
37. Elliott Smith - Either/Or
1997
Indie folk
Utterly essential irreplaceable artist. Thank fuck that the last blurb accidentally reminded me that this existed. |
| 36 |  | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 35 | | KILLING JOKE
Killing Joke |
| 34 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 33 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 32 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 31 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 30 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 29 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 28 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 27 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 26 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 25 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 24 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 23 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 22 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 21 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 20 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 19 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 18 | | KILLING JOKE
Killing Joke |
| 17 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 16 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 15 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 14 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 13 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 12 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 11 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 10 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 9 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 8 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 7 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 6 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 5 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 4 | | KILLING JOKe
KILLING JOKE |
| 3 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 2 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
| 1 | | KILLING JOKE
KILLING JOKE |
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