Review Summary: Between the Buried and Me, explained through Jesus.
I found Jesus today. I mean, I literally found Jesus. He appeared right before my very eyes. It was a mind boggling experience I will never forget. In a poof of smoke, he appeared before me. I had to rub my eyes in disbelief. I thought to myself "This cannot ACTUALLY be happening, right?" He stood before me with his long hair blowing majestically in the cold, Ohio wind. His eyes were sunken and bruised, his face sagging and wrinkled. His long beard tailing down to his chest, spackled with gray. This wasn't the Jesus we've all seen pictures of. The Jesus embedded into our brains. No, this Jesus looked weathered. He looked exactly like I pictured a man aged thousands of years to look. As the wind blew his beard to the side, it revealed he was, in fact, wearing an Opeth shirt. And his pants were tight, black leather. The bulge in his pants was legendary. Someone with the stature of Jesus BETTER be sporting a massive package. It couldn't work any other way. Jesus was a metalhead. Shocking. As I snapped out of my bewilderment, I finally spoke in a shaken voice.
"Jesus, you are much shorter than I imagined."
"Yes, I get that quite often my son" He said, with a deep, resonating voice.
I took one look at his glaringly large package once more. What was wrong with me? It was entirely distracting. I just couldn't help myself.
"Jesus, why are you here?" I asked, shakingly.
"Well, my son, I am here because I am going to let you ask me one question, about anything at all. Anything your little heart desires. And I have to give you the entire truth. No bull***."
"Why Jesus? Why me?" I asked, surprised.
"Because, I randomly choose a name out of a hat everyday to do this with. One random person on earth. That way, there are a few people spread throughout this dismal planet that know the truth, about something, and can share their newfound wisdom with the world. You are today's lucky winner. Embrace it. And choose your question wisely."
I stood there, thoughts racing through my brain. I had an entire existence's worth of potential knowledge at my disposal. This was incredible. I couldn't focus. I could find the meaning of our existence! I could figure out why some people are straight, or why they are gay. I could learn the government's deepest darkest secret. Or if there was life on other planets! Oh the possibilities. But then I froze. It dawned on me. I knew EXACTLY what I had to ask.
"Jesus. What's with Between the Buried and Me?" I finally blurted out, after my long moment of silence and deep thought.
Jesus paused and let out a long, emphatic sigh. Then he looked at me with those sunken eyes, as if he was let down, rather than surprised.
"You'd be surprised how often I get asked about them." he said. "You've got to be a little more specific"
"Well Jesus. They are some of the most talented musicians I have ever heard. They are masters of their instruments. Godly.." --
"That's blasphemy, my son. Choose your words wisely" he interrupted, with a slight tone of anger in his voice.
"Right, sorry Jesus" I said, my voice quivering. "Anyways, like I was saying. They are INCREDIBLE musicians, and every time I hear them play I am awe-struck and taken aback at how much time and effort and raw talent they obviously put forth. But...I feel like sometimes that talent is wasted with incoherent, immature songwriting."
"You've heard the Great Misdirect, haven't you my son?" He asked, curiously"
"Yes sir, I have. And, it's at times incredible. At times mesmerizing. At times it makes my jaw literally drop to the floor. But I guess, with the direction I heard them going on "Colors", I was hoping they were improving at the art of songwriting, and we're heading towards a more straight up progressive metal direction with more free flowing songs..."
"Yes, David. I know. I get that. You're wondering why Between the Buried and Me make you uneasy. Why they make you listen to sometimes painful, mindless guitar wankery for many minutes at a time, just to get to the good stuff, am I right?"
"Yes. Jesus ***ing Christ, yes!" I blurted
"HEY, what have I told you about blasphemy! The next time you do that, I am going to turn YOU into wine, and you will be the beverage of choice at the frat party I am attending after this!"
I froze in terror. I need to watch what I say. Can't I just try not to piss off the song of God of all people?
"I am so, so sorry Jesus. Really, I am. It won't happen again."
"Good" he replied. "It better not. Or that's the end of you. But here is your answer my son. Between the Buried and Me were chosen by God as the saviors of metal. The problem is, they used their holy talents for bad. As they rose to prominence and mastered their instruments, they chose a path of gluttony, of adultry, of drugs and brutality. It was God's punishment to strip them of songwriting abilities. That is why it is so difficult to listen to them sometimes. And yet rewarding."
"I don't understand, Jesus" I said, confused.
"God still wanted to use them as a tool of prominence. He wanted them to be reward their listeners. See, their best parts, such as the ending of "Fossil Genera", as an example, were actually written by God and channeled through the band themselves. It's his way of redeeming his failed project by providing it's listeners with solid music, but by making them perservere through all the mindless wankery. It's simply a lesson in patience. You see now, my son?"
"Yes, it makes perfect sense. I can live with myself now, knowing "The Great Misdirect" is just ok.
"Good! I am glad to have assisted you in some way. Take this knowledge to heart, and share it to the world. Oh, and don't forget to repent for your sins!"
"Thank you Jesus, you've provided me with a great sense of closure. But can I ask you one more thing?"
Jesus looked annoyed, but nodded yes.
"Why did God put Miley Cyrus on earth?" I asked.
"Well, she's merely acting as bait, so all the sexual predators in the world who wank off to her videos and pictures can be added to the premature "Very likely to end up in hell list". If I'm not mistaken, you are on that list."
I was taken aback and embarassed. My face red and my heart racing.
"Jesus ***ing christ, I will stop I swear!"
"That's it!" Jesus cried. "You're going to be tonight's alcoholic beverage at tonight's raging frat party. You're going to be coming up the esophogus's of drunk college students everywhere tonight. You've earned it for your blasphemy!"
THE END
