Review Summary: If you're looking for Grade A musicianship, excellent songwriting, and a template on which all modern heavy rock and metal should be judged by, look further!
Man, I really hate baggin' on
Sevendust. They're scene vets, they managed to distinguish themselves from the nu metal chaff as having more natural talent and songwriting abilities, even if they tinged their stuff with a little too much
K.C. and JoJo for my tastes.
But, goddamnit, despite like, a billion albums, they have never managed to get it right. So, I had a pep talk with the band, and this is the official, completely real transcript:
[Mic Rustling, sound of a bottle cap coming off]
JZ: You listening,
Sevendust? You with me? Ok. Listen, guys, this new album,
Cold Day Memory, it's... well, it's just like your other albums. You start out half decent, even pretty good, with the first couple tracks. I was digging "Splinter", even if it had a half-assed twin guitar lead that gave the false impression the rest of the album was more metal in the classic sense. That groove in the chorus of "Forever Dead"? Pretty choice, I gotta say. All is good up until the bridge of "Unraveling". I mean, did you guys feel like going back and fixing it later and forgot? Because it's a goddamned
bomb, and the only survivors of the blast are "Strong Arm Broken" and "The End is Coming", with the latter being blind and missing a leg now.
[Grumbling in what sounds like italian]
JZ: Settle dow-SETTLE DOWN, ok? Now, this has been a long time coming. Ever since your second album...
every...single...god...damn...f*ckpiss chorus sounds the same. Your verses are pretty good, even on this effort, but then its back to 90 bpm and easy-listening phrasing being spouted out in half or whole notes, and it kills everything.
[Heavy sighing]
JZ: This pains me, it does. You guys are very likable fellows. You're like the Trix rabbit: Always trying and coming so close to reaching your goal, but failing miserably in front of everyone. I feel bad, I really do, but in the end it boils down to one, simple thing.
[Questioning grunt]
[JitteryZeitgeist lights cigarette with Zippo, clicks it closed, and sighs]
JZ: You guys have absolutely no hooks. This, in and of itself, is not a bad thing... but for the music you guys are putting out, it is a very bad thing. No hooks. Nothing to keep people interested. Nothing. You've got a couple catchy riffs, a couple catchy vocal lines, but they never seem to be in the same song and they have the lifespan of a diabetic mayfly buried alive in sugar cubes.
[Yelling, dog yelp]
JZ: Taking constructive criticism is a sign of maturity!
[Silence]
JZ: I'm sorry guys, but
Cold Day Memory is going to be anything but. On the bright side, you may have enough songs now to make a Greatest Hits album that people will actually want to buy. No promises, though.
I actually don't really care about the mods. I never really do anything so, no need to get on their good side.
