Review Summary: It's Bret Michaels in 2010. What did you expect!?
What comes to your mind when you think of a whore?! Most of you would certainly have very similar answers to this question: you might have thought of someone who isn’t in the best shape, maybe a few years past their prime, but still trying by any means necessary to appear as relevant and attractive as they did when they were young and at their best, often putting themselves out there so blatantly and boldly that the inevitable result is embarassment.
Now, with that image in mind, let’s talk about Bret Michaels, a man who for the past fifteen years has been desperately flogging a career which was on its last legs even as early as 1992, when his original band Poison put out the first of many uninspired albums,
Native Tongue. Now, eighteen years and several surgeries after that first stumble, forty-seven-year-old Michaels releases
Custom Built, an album which sees him further whore out his career and prove that there is nothing he won’t do for notoriety.
The ironic thing about it, however, is how
unsurprising this album is. Anyone who has heard a Michaels album or followed his career will recognize this as just another logical extension of the singer’s solo journey. All the trappings of a Bret Michaels solo album are here, and clearly visible. Slightly glamorized close-up shot of the artist on the cover? Check. Vaguely cocky album title? Check. Bland country-rock sound? Check. Insertion of previous hits as a means to enhance the package? Check and double-check. There is really nothing surprising on the Western front, but then again, it’s Bret Michaels in 2010 - what did you expect!?
Actually, that is not entirely true. There
are two small surprises upon first contact with
Custom Built. One is the presence of, of all people,
Miley Cyrus on one track, a move which constitutes a legal argument in favor of calling Michaels a sellout; the other is the opening riff of the album, which for a moment has you believe Bret Michaels has abandoned his pop-punk leanings in favor of going Jonas. However, while that would tie in with the cameo by Ms. Cyrus, none of the angles goes anywhere. Opener
Riding Against The Wind (does that sound familiar to you?) quickly turns into the usual country-rock shtick, while Miley’s contribution to her track is limited to delivering back-up vocals and acrobatics. In fact, as strange as it is to say Miley Cyrus is wasted
anywhere, she certainly is here, causing the impression that she’s either there for name recognition or she’s banging Michaels. Either way, not a pretty picture.
The rest of the album holds as little surprise as these two tracks, basically consisting of the same bland country tripe Michaels has been unsuccessfully peddling since 1990. Here and there, there is an attempt at the kind of sexually-charged rocker that – again – hasn’t been done properly since C.C.DeVille first left Poison (
Lie To Me, but in general it’s country-rock blandness through and through. The only really shocking moment is a horrifically misguided techno (!) version of
Go That Far, which goes straight into the gallery of ‘worst things Michaels has ever done’. One doesn’t know whether to laugh, cry or throw up. (Ideally, all three.)
At about the midway point, the album shifts from new songs to old rehashed hits. However, sadly,
Custom Built misses the opportunity to be a sort of reverse
Freedom Of Sound and have the Greatest Hits save the original material. The selection isn’t as uninspired as on previous albums, but it maintains the trend of staleness and blandness established by the originals. The sole exceptions go to the ever-pleasant
Open Road – which shines even brighter amongst this tripe – and to the alternate, acoustic version of
Nothing To Lose, which runs circles around its exceedingly syrupy elder. Along with
Rock’n My Country – which contains an ironic-in-context observation about real music not being about the money – these constitute the only glimmer of quality in an otherwise horrendous album, where the merest inkling of a good song (
Wasted Time) is bogged down by three other bland and poor ones.
Hopefully,
Custom Built will be the final nail in the coffin of Bret Michaels’ long suffering career. However, for those of you thinking the nightmare is over, think again. Miley Cyrus’ participation in this album has driven her to remake Poison’s flagship ballad,
Every Rose Has Its Thorn. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Recommended Tracks
Open Road
Nothing To Lose (Bret Only Demo)
