Review Summary: Thrash Wars Episode V: Kurdt Vanderhoof Strikes Back
It all began on August 12, 1991. That was when it happened….
Metallica entered One On One Recording Studios in Los Angeles, California on October 6, 1990 and began recording their latest experiment. On paper, it was a brilliant formula, blending hard rock grooves with dense, raging heavy metal. It would be the greatest thing since sliced bread, and the band would allow Jason Newstead (their bassist at the time) to make songwriting contributions and be audible in the mixing process. They already had demos of “Enter Sandman,” “The Unforgiven,” Nothing Else Matters,” and “Wherever I May Roam,” all of which reflected a very different side to the once mighty thrash titans. The studio found the new material to be very good for what it’s worth, and Bob Rock was confident the album would take the world by storm and be commercially successful. Sooner than he knew it, he would be right about that, but something strange was happening in the recording process. Some mysterious, perhaps dangerous force was lurking beneath the material, and before it could be stopped, it really would take the world by storm….
It was a hot summer back in 1991, and on August 12th of that year, Kurdt Vanderhoof and Mike Howe were taking a stroll down Manhattan, New York. The band had already released their newest album (at the time) The Human Factor about four and a half months prior to this day. The album was a rash critique on, well, the human factor and the oppression and wrong doings of mankind and was one of, if not the first thrash record to branch out to hard rock grooves and traditional heavy metal song songwriting. Howe and Vanderhoof were discussing about the album and brainstorming future plans while on their stroll around the city:
“So Mike my man...What do you think about our latest album? You think we did good?”
“I dig it dude. It was fun being able to take a part in writing the songs. I always have a good time when we’re playin’ together and makin’ some tasty ***. “In Mourning” is ***in’ awesome too...probably my favorite.”
“Hell yeah man...I believe that when *** pisses you off, and you can make music about it, then why not right?”
“Totally dude. We may have been a bit preachy at times though. Maybe we should tone it down next time around?”
“Mike my man, my favorite musicians never make the same album twice, and neither will we…”
“Ah...typical Kurdt...I respect that…”
Then all of a sudden, Kurdt’s heart started beating rapidly. He fell to one knee and was developing a lot of pain in his head. He was panting. “Dude, what’s going on,” Mike asked in a troubled tone of voice, “You alright dude?” Then it stopped. Kurdt was panting some more, but it slowed down enough for him to speak clearly. “Y-yeah I-’I’m ok man….But something’s wrong….”
“What do you mean something’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure. When you work with our type of music for so long, it becomes a part of you. You get this….”feelin” of connection to it, sorta like that “feelin” twins get when something happens to one of them. You know what I mean?”
“I get what you’re sayin’...but why do you think that just happened?”
Without answering Mike, his voice sounding rather “distant,” Kurdt was looking around the area observantly and noticed a big, black billboard with the word Metallica on it. There was a coiled snake on the bottom right corner of the billboard, and in the middle read an advertisement:
The Black Album:
Metallica’s newest and best album yet
with the singles “Enter Sandman,”
“Sad But True,” “The Unforgiven,”
and more! Come on down
To your nearest music store today!
Then Kurdt looked a little further on and saw a long line of people standing in front of Good Records NYC, the closest music store to them. Many people were walking out with a copy of The Black Album while carrying CD players and headphones. One of the people, with a boombox on his shoulder, was blasting the song “Enter Sandman.” What an interesting tune, Kurdt thought to himself. The simple riff, the chorus, and then the guitar solo broke in. Without realizing it, Kurdt was stomping his foot, and just before the song ended, Mike’s voice became less distant, and Kurdt was “coming to” so-to-speak.
“Kurdt….Kurdt!!! Dude, what’s wrong? Kurdt!”
“Wo-w-wooh man….what’s the name of that song that was just on?”
“Enter sandman or something like that. Catchy tune. A lot different from their previous album though.”
It definitely was different, Kurdt thought to himself. Why did it feel so strange though? I felt like I was getting sucked into a trance. Surely, there was an “infectious” quality to the music which may have had something to do with that “feeling” Kurdt was getting. In fact, he thought it was a toxic feeling. “So Kurdt,” Mike broke in with curiosity, “You aren’t acting like yourself. Is everything alright?”
“I’m worried that feeling I got may have something to do with this new Metallica album. Sure, the music was catchy, but something felt weird about it and not in a good way. I felt like I was being….pulled in by the music but in a way I’m not familiar with…”
Then they heard demented screaming and growling. The man holding the boombox dropped to the pavement, his body twitching and foam spewing out of his mouth. His skin was turning black...errr….blackened if you will. He got up, ran towards a woman in line and bit her in the arm. Her arm then grew a blackish color, and she started acting like him. People started running away, and one by one, the same thing was happening to them. “Kurdt,” Mike exclaimed in terror, “What the *** is going on here!?” Kurdt was shocked at the sight of all of this himself. “I-I don’t know man. Whatever it is, it’s spreading like some ***in’ disease. We gotta get to the other band mates!” They called the other members and got them to retreat to their hotel where they were staying.
Craig: Ok we’re here! But what the *** was happening to those people out there?
Mike: There was a man holding a boombox playin’ the song “Enter Sandman,” and when the song was over, his skin was turning dark and attacked a woman like a goddamn animal. Kurdt was getting some weird feelin’ before that *** happened.”
Duke: You think it’s got sumthin’ to do with that song?
Kurdt: Maybe. Isn’t it ironic that….oh ***…
Mike: What Kurdt?
Kurdt: Think about it bros. The album cover is black...the song is from that ‘black album’...his skin was turning black after hearing that song from that ‘black album’...
Kirk: I’m assuming he was a white dude?
Kurdt: Stop dickin’ around Kirk! This is serious! Don’t you see bros! This album is...a virus, and it’s turning people into monsters!
Craig: You think it’s got somethin’ to do with the studio where they made it? Maybe somethin’ happened during the recording?
Kurdt: That is a possibility. I heard some rumors about Bob Rock producing their newest album around late last year, so maybe Bob Rock knows somethin’ about it.
John: Then I think we should go to his recording studio. We can take my private jet.
Mike: Wait? A jet!? But...how were you able to afford it?
John: Let’s just say that not every penny in the budget for Blessing In Disguise went towards the sound mixing…
Kurdt: Goddamnit John! That’s why Cannot Tell a Lie sounds like ***! Oh well, let’s just get there and see what this horse*** is all about.
The guys hopped in the private jet and flew out to One On One Recording Studios in Los Angeles, California. The building was surrounded by ‘blackened’ people so they had to land on top of the building. They got out, and Bob Rock stormed out of the secret door nearby. “This ain’t no goddamn landing pad fellas!” “We’re sorry man,” Kurdt said, “but do you know what the *** is going on here?” Bob Rock escorted them into the building and into his private office. “Fellas, during the recording of ‘the black album’, something weird was going on. When Metallica would play their songs, we would get some strange feedback from the speakers. We wouldn’t know what it was at the time so we just kept goin’ with the album. When the recording process was all done, something weird was happening to the audioman. His skin was blackening, he was foaming from the mouth, and he lunged at one of us. He didn’t bite luckily, but we got security to lock him up in a room so he wouldn’t hurt anyone. I called up a guy I know, and he came in to observe him. He’s into that science *** and all, but anyways, he was sayin’ somethin’ about a potential virus or some bull*** like that. He named it The Black.”
John: Why The Black?
Bob: Ain’t it obvious? The Black Album, the black skin, the animal-like behavior...this sounds stupid, but he also said it may have something to do with the music itself...something about a “contagious” compound in the music.
Mike: You mean like it’s infectious?
Bob: Yes and with a double meaning. Lars, James, and I wanted to make a more accessible sound to their music sorta like when I worked on Motley Crue’s Dr. Feelgood. After the final product, we felt the music surely was “infectious” with catchiness, but now I realize the catchiness of the music literally is “infectious.”
Kurdt: Then what do we do man?
Bob: There is a hidden prophecy called the Thrashwars. It consists of a special group of thrash metal veterans that you may know, and their duty is to protect the integrity of the genre so *** like this doesn’t happen. The problem though is that Metallica was the biggest thrash metal band in the world, and they were taken down by The Black. See, when we had that infected guy locked up, he wound up breaking loose and went straight for Lars, then Lars went for James, and you know the rest. I got out in time, but they’re all down below us like a bunch of goddamn animals. I’m not sure even the Thrashwars prophecy is strong enough to take on The Black.
Kurdt: How about we try it then?
Bob: Kurdt my man, I’ve heard great things about your crew and your way of playing music, but I’m not sure you’ll be enough to stop this thing without losing your lives.
Kurdt: I’ve never told anyone this before, but I am a part of that prophecy. I have that special connection to our genre. It’s my obligation to stand up to this virus that’s going on.
Mike: I never knew that man! So that’s why you were acting the way you were before! We’re here to back you up on this right fellas?
John: Yeah dude.
Erik: No doubt bro.
Kirk: Let’s kick some black zombie ass!
Bob Rock and Metal Church went to the top of the roof [out of harm’s way] to set up the sound equipment and conduct a concert for their album The Human Factor. In a society like this, music albums are the weapon of choice with the songs being the ammunition, and at this point, they had to pick what they felt was appropriate against this plague. Real weapons wouldn’t do because music is what truly kills. “You’re all set up boys,” Bob Rock exclaimed. Mike Howe stood at the mic and shouted “I hope you infected cock suckers can take the heat! It’s the human facteeeeeeeeeeeruuuuh!!!!!” The album started off with some feedback noise that transitions into the title track. From the get-go, this is a bit different than the music Metal Church have made up to this point. From its groovy main riff to its biting commentary on plagiarism in the music scene, the album starts off well as it seems. While the song was playing, Bob Rock looked down at the infected people to see if there was any change. He noticed a few of them jamming out to the song they were playing instead of “Enter Sandman,” and they were cured of The Black. “It’s working boys! Keep on going!” The band persisted on with “Date With Poverty” which follows in a slightly faster but similar fashion of the first track. The groovy riffs, infectious bass licks, and overall catchiness of the song showed signs of promise as more of the audience were being cured of The Black. Then came on “Final Words” which is more reminiscent of their thrashier days, and some of the cured members even became Metal Church fans. When the next “In Mourning” came on, arguably Metal Church’s best song, over the half the city was cured. What made the song convincing was its powerful vocal performance, thematic subject on child abuse, and top-notch musicianship.
Things were going well with this counterstrike against The Black except for a couple misfires. The next song “In Harm’s Way” is a great song in its own right, but some people could spot the glaring similarities between this song and “In Mourning” (most notably the lyrical content), and a few cured audience members got infected [re-blacked] once again because of it. “In Due Time” picked up some slack from the previous song and healed a few of the re-blacked people, but it didn’t make much of an impact despite its thrashy song structure. When “Agent Green” started playing, you can tell the band was getting a bit tired judging by the slow pace and almost spoken intro. Several people were re-blacked once again, and it seemed like all was going wrong at this point...until Kirk wacked his hi-hat in a 1,2,3,4 fashion. Then blaring through the speakers was the song “Flee From Reality.” The intro built up for a couple seconds then Kirk ends it with a quick drum roll that opens up to a legitimate thrash metal riff. The bass and drums kick in, and the song picks up some serious speed. Many infected people were healed even before Mike Howe cut loose on the venomous vocal lines “I got no time for time for decisions/All I can do is complain!” Not only was it a promising sign, but it was the first deadly ingredient of this recipe for reconciliation for the mess Metallica [accidentally] made. It was a damn good song with the solos being a highlight of the album as they branched off from each other on the final chorus consisting of gang shouts of the song title “FLEE...FROM...REALITYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” All was good…
Then something went wrong...really wrong…
The band started playing the next song “Betrayed,” and all of a sudden, that secret door on the roof was no longer a secret. The [blackened] people barged through the door and started to flood the roof, claiming Kurdt as their first meal. The song was the low point of the album, and some people thought it was so lousy and dull (mainly due to its slow pace, uninteresting riff, and lame drum beat) that audience members didn’t pay enough attention to avoid their blackened fate of getting infected. The song ended abruptly due to Mike noticing them attacking Kurdt. A tear shed in his eye, but he started to become very angry. With a vigorous tone of voice, he shouts in the mic “You mother***ers want a piece of us? Then get ready for THE FIGHT SOOOOOOONG!!!!!” That angry falsetto pierced a few eardrums, and some people were healed just by that alone. They don’t do any slow buildup or any of that crap this time around. A single whack at the snare drum, and the song kicks in with the most vicious riff on the album. You can hear the vigor in Mike’s voice when he sings lines like “In these days of depressing times, there stands one final truth/so take a stand and show them the best you can do!” The final, intense shouts end the song and finish the album, and then the miraculous happened: The Black had faded from everyone in the city. The people cheered them on, and the Thrashwars prophecy was restored once again…
Despite the occasional missteps of preachy lyrics and some unconvincing songs, The Human Factor is an excellent album that blends just enough thrash metal with its newfound heavy metal/hard rock outfit. In this scenario, it proved to be enough to fight off The Black, but unfortunately, despite starting off well with the concert and decent record sales, The Human Factor wasn’t enough to fully exploit The Black. Metallica’s untitled black album dominated record sales and placed them on top of the world. Several other members of the Thrashwars prophecy fought them hard, and the result came amazing records such as Coroner’s Mental Cortex, Demolition Hammers Epidemic of Violence which actually did a lot of damage against The Black, and Overkills Horrorscope, but they were overthrown by The Black by following the bandwagon of the times as they shifted to a more commercial approach themselves, thus resulting in the collapse of the genre. In 1994, The Black would kill off Metal Church as they wound up breaking up from the music scene for a while, but they put up a good fight with The Human Factor., and oh man did they fight...AND MAKE IT RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
