Yes it’s another Metallicaman of a Metallica album, with an original concept that most people won’t like. I’m sure some of you are growing tired of this, but I had this idea fresh in my head and wanted to get it out there as soon as possible. And my next review will just be a regular review of something with few reviews or something that hasn’t been reviewed at all. Anyways the purpose of this paragraph is to explain the concept, which is a Trial Review. The whole review will be pretty much Metallica on trial for making the album. Yeah, it’s not my most original concept but it should be pretty fun.
Metallica
St. Anger
Bailiff: All rise for then honorable Judge Schneider.
*Judge Schneider enters the room with an angst look on his face, because he had a tee-time at his country club today, but was called into work. Then some other boring things happen like people taking oaths etc.*
Judge Schneider: Prosecutor, what is the defense (Metallica) being charged with?
Prosecutor: They are being charged with the following:
-trying something new, which we all know never works
-allowing Kirk Hammet to join the writing process
-hiring a bassist who looks like a monkey
-making an album without solos
-f
ucking with the tuning on Lars’s drums and then trying to cover it up with lots of double kick
Judge Schneider: and the defense pleads?
Defense Attorney: They plead not guilty, your honor.
Judge Schneider: Prosecutor, call your first person to the stand.
Prosecutor: For my first witness I would like to call James Hetfield to the stand
*Hetfield slowing saunters to the front of the room*
Prosecutor: Mr. Hetfield, you’ve been accused of making a completely uninspired album. The riffs have been described as bland, generic even boring. There are no solos. Pretty much the whole album is just heavy distorted riffs in drop C or D. It’s also been said that you completely neglect your clean tone, which on previous albums you used to keep things from getting boring. Those accusations are for the band as whole, though. You, yourself are being charged with singing out of key and the conspiracy of trying to cover it up by extreme editing of the album. However, you should’ve known that once you went of tour people would realize that you couldn’t even sing your old material much less your new stuff. Now that you’ve heard the charges against you and your band what do you have to say for yourself?
James Hetfield: Everything you just said was a complete fabrication. The riffs weren’t bland. They were crisp and new. That’s what we wanted to do with this album, do something new. As for there being no solos ...blame Kirk, that’s his job. Also, so what if I didn’t use enough clean tone, there was still some in there, I think. And about the vocals. there’s a perfectly good explanation for that, but I for got it in my car.
*Hetfield flees the court room, sobbing as he goes*
Judge Schneider: Since Hetfield has fled the defense will not have a chance to question him. Prosecutor, call your next second person to the stand.
Prosecutor: I call Kirk Hammet to the stand!
*Hammet looks around nervously, then slowly makes his way to the stand. Halfway there he trips over his own feet.*
Prosecutor: YOU PANSY! YOU’RE SUCH A LITTLE GIRL! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A GIRL!? I OUGHT TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU RIGHT HERE! GET A HAIRCUT!!
Defense Attorney *interrupts*: Your honor, he’s badgering Mr. Hammet.
Judge Schneider: Prosecutor, get to the point
Prosecutor: Very well. Kirk, you are being charged with, in the simplest of terms sitting on your
ass. You are aware that you’re the lead guitarist are you knot? Of course you are. But there was virtually no lead guitar in this album anywhere. Not a solo to be seen nor heard. So I ask you, just what the hell were you doing for the whole album.
Kirk Hammet: Well, I played a lot of the rhythm guitar.
Prosecutor: You played a lot of the rhythm guitar! Is that what lead guitarists do these days? Play the rhythm guitar? You sicken me. Do your job. You enjoy the illustrious reputation as one of the greatest thrash metal guitarists of all time and then you put out an album without any solos? That is such a slap in the face to all of your loving fans. No further questions.
Kirk Hammet: but..
Prosecutor: NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!
*the defense attorney, baffled by the prosecutor’s convincing presentation declines to question Hammet*
Prosecutor: I now call Lars Ulrich to the stand.
*Lars walks over with an angst-y look on his face*
Defense Attorney: Mr. Ulrich, you stand accused of messing with the tuning on your drums, mostly the snare and then trying to cover it up with lots and lots of double kick. What is your response to these allegations?
Lars Ulrich: What’s my response? What’s my response!? My response is f
uck you! I’ll do whatever I want with my drums and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. I wanted to experiment and I did. My true fans will support me no matter what!
*Ulrich is carried out of the court my two large bailiffs after taking a swing at the prosecutor. The defense attorney leaves the court room to try and calm Lars down*
Prosecutor: And last and probably least, I call Rob Trujillo to the stand.
*Rob calmly walks to the front of the room*
Prosecutor: Rob, overall there was nothing really wrong with your bass playing. But here was something very, very wrong with your appearance. I’ll be frank. You look like a monkey and you play like a monkey. A lot of people find this to be, well pretty much just weird. What are your thoughts?
Rob Trujillo: I don’t really think my bass playing is relevant to the case in any way, shape or form.
Prosecutor: Okay, you may step down.
Judge Schneider: There will now be a brief recess so the jury can make their decision.
*brief recess*
Jury: We find the defendants guilty.
THE SENTENCES:
The band must put out a record in regular tuning, with solos and vocals that are in key.
PERSONAL SENTENCES:
James Hetfield: sentenced to continue paying too much for singing lessons
Kirk Hammet: Sentenced to solo, and get a haircut
Lars Ulrich: Sentenced to re-tune his drums and be less of a spas
Rob Trujillo: Sentenced to look less like a monkey
Metallicaman
