Review Summary: Coldplay is a band, and this is an album.
Coldplay. Coldplay, y'know? Just... Coldplay. I sat here for a good few minutes trying to conjure up an effective intro paragraph, but found that I had absolutely nothing to say for a band that has absolutely nothing to say anymore. I mean, why bother trying? Coldplay clearly isn't. They haven't
been trying for quite some time now - 2008's
Viva la Vida was both a swan song and a fluke all in one, a lightning-in-a-bottle album that, in retrospect, was probably only all that interesting thanks to Brian Eno trying to keep the band from nose-diving into the Abyss of Comfortable Mediocrity. But, of course, you can't avoid destiny, as 2015's horrific
A Head Full of Dreams proved. Even 2019's "experimental"
Everyday Life honestly felt more pretentious and uneven than anything else, unwilling to break the mold but wanting to make a risky, sociopolitical statement all at once. But don't worry - the notion that maybe Coldplay was heading in a more "interesting" direction after
Everyday Life can thankfully be completely dispelled by
Music of the Spheres, an utterly
whatever record that reels Coldplay back into the cozy realm of "who cares"?
"Higher Power" is a slice of 80's-infused synthpop because, hey, that's what's popular right now, right? Atmospheric synths, chirpy arpeggios, the interplay of thumping bass and a punchy drum machine - it's got all of the necessary traits, and it's
fine, but it feels so hollow, transparent, and trend-chasey that the song's intended impact just misses the mark. This isn't 80's-esque because that's what Coldplay digs, it's 80's-esque because that'll make them money. "Humankind" is a cocktease of a song. It starts off promising enough - the rising-and-falling keys and big, reverberating drums strike me as a curious amalgamation of Alan Parsons Project's "Sirius" and Prince's "I Would Die 4 U" before launching into a massive, melodic, arena-rock refrain that fools you into thinking it
just might be a banger... before the verses abruptly turn it into a soundalike of Ed Sheeran's "Castle On The Hill". Oh my god.
Really?? This is what we call a Certified Coldplay Moment - right when you think they're about to do something great, they pull the rug out from under you and bore you to death instead.
Pretty much every other song on here is either slightly obnoxious, or shoots itself in the foot to some degree. "People of the Pride" is so
embarrassingly close to plagarizing The Black Keys' "Gold on the Ceiling" that I felt the urge to skip it even before the one-minute mark, "My Universe" wastes a slightly-potentially-interesting BTS feature on a hook and beat so bland it might as well have been called "My Bread and Water", and the monstrously annoying pitched-up vocals in "Biutyful" completely soil an otherwise decent, shimmering, acoustic-heavy track (Chris, please never do chipmunk soul ever again).
Even "Coloratura", for all of its good elements - striking an interesting balance between neo-classical orchestral passages and Pink Floyd that works surprisingly well - is not only
way too f*cking long, but has absolutely
no place on this otherwise bland setlist of pop rock. The placement of "Coloratura" is downright random, and I have a strong feeling it was carelessly thrown in for the exact same reason Maroon 5 threw in the strikingly-similar "Closure" on
Red Pill Blues - to remind the public that, yes, the men behind Coldplay are
definitely serious musicians, they still got it going on, and you should
definitely take them seriously. "Don't worry, we're still a band. I know you were starting to forget."
Who cares?? The interludes - pretentiously given unpronounceable symbol titles - are needless, filler nonsense that serve as padding to fool the listener into thinking this record has more music than it actually does. The best songs on the album, "Higher Power" and the candlelit electric-piano ballad "Let Somebody Go", are
fine, nothing that'll change your life or even make you smile all that much. The production is fine, the lyrics are banal, generic filibuster, and the whole album's so short that it might as well be a passing thought in your head - without "Coloratura", the whole thing would barely cross over the thirty-minute mark. Just another whatever record from another whatever band that's treating their illustrious career like a nine-to-five and nothing more.
Music of the Spheres is just another paycheck for Chris Martin and the boys, so - happy payday, Chris. Hope you buy that second Jacuzzi you've always wanted.
