Review Summary: Vomitcard.
I woke up this morning to the news of this EP being released to the world. For anyone and your favourite toddler to hear it. And so began a lovely trip through memory lane of the main protagonist in the EP, the kind of guy that stalks a girl and says he will make him love her. This is the lyrical content. There is also the typical pop-punk bull*** lyrics about everything that can possibly happen at the ocean, attempting to give off a summery vibe and failing. Black metal just doesn’t give that summery vibe to me, perhaps an ominous cold winter in the forests of Norway, but not this ***, and especially not with these lyrics. If you haven’t noticed, the tone of this EP is inconsistent at best. Along with the intensely bitter lyrics you get the musical confusion of pop-punk mixed with black metal. It feels like a genre collision that Satan created. It’s an abomination. The riffs and melodies are pop-punk, yet the drums and shrieks are black metal. The biggest surprise was the pop-punk choruses which were serviceable and the only thing that really made this *** sound like pop-punk.
The singing (yes there’s singing) isn’t that bad, but it’s definitely not going to match the heights of your favourite pop-punk singer. The drums have no punch to them; they sound like they threw handfuls of goldfish against the wall. The piano playing is actually skillfully done. There’s also some little instrumental ditties that include bad keyboard bits, a saxophone solo, and parts that sound like The Tea Party. Everything and a kitchen sink are in here which is why it doesn’t work. It sounds like they’re doing *** for the sake of doing *** (they obviously are). But, to be fair, if you were expecting the EP to give you some kind of musical boner due to its brilliant composition you’re a ***ing idiot. Almost nothing works in this EP. I have wasted my life by reviewing it and attempting to find hidden nuggets in this tornado of ***. Very fun to listen to and laugh at, and it is the strangest music I’ve heard all year.
