JohnnyoftheWell
Hugh G. Puddles
Staff

Reviews 369
Soundoffs 76
News Articles 102
Band Edits + Tags 1,293
Album Edits 662

Album Ratings 4439
Objectivity 75%

Last Active 01-01-70 12:00 am
Joined 01-01-70

Review Comments 60,401

 Lists
05.10.24 Aquemini ranked04.25.24 REC me glitch/downtempo/IDM
04.16.24 All Blonde Redhead songs RANKED ♦03.28.24 OED Japanese imports RANKED (Q1 2024) ♦
03.22.24 Sputnik's Sacred Cows03.14.24 POP ALIGNMENT
03.09.24 Discogs that peak on song #103.07.24 new staff + contribs RANKED ♦
03.03.24 MARCH of JAZŽŻ ♦02.16.24 G L I T C H genre tag
02.01.24 FEBRUARY of ambi2ent (REC me) ♦01.01.24 well_2023: "YES" albums (2/2) ♦
12.31.23 well_2023: "NO" albums (1/2)12.27.23 (be)rate my LP 'collection'
12.03.23 2023 BNM: cringedex ♦12.01.23 New users :: REVIEWED ♦
11.28.23 Your 5s choices reviewed AGAIN ♦11.15.23 learn from my WORST REVIEWS ♦
More »

Music = Pokemon

The nerdiest thing I will ever achieve in my time on planet earth, this is entirely coherent within and between types (well, as coherent as the original type effectivenesses) and definitely important for the internet.
1Bright Eyes
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

Normal - Indie folk
A reliable crowd pleaser that some people continually make a fuss about growing out of it or finding it boring, Normal is one of the very few types that will never flat-out let you down. It might get shafted by Fighting, but that’s a dick move on the other trainer’s part 90% of the time, and if isn’t effective against Ghost, who cares? Sure, its scope is mostly limited and it’s never going to conquer the Pokemon league by itself, but you’ve also got some of the toughest Pokemon out there dropping Hyper Beam when you least expected. Let’s be honest, you’re never too good for the basics.
2Fishmans
Long Season

Water - Dream pop
Water is cool, diversely useful and as good at weathering other types’ bullshit as it is at standing up against them. It’s a type a lot of people would be tempted to describe as their favourite but then pretend otherwise for fear of seeming unsophisticated. And that’s okay - Water is great, even if it’s a bit boring to use it all the time. Enjoys a casual supremacy over Fire but doesn’t flaunt it and is generally appropriately respectful towards Grass.
3Converge
Petitioning the Empty Sky

Fire - Hardcore
When it’s on, you know it’s on. Fire doesn’t fuck around when it comes to exploiting type advantages. You always know that Fire-type users mean business and often have stronger chops than other offensive-type devotees, and there’s a pretty distinct rush that comes from using Fire knockout moves to their full potential - when you connect a Fire Blast, you know it was meant to be devastating and awe-inspiring, whereas landing Hydro Pump, Blizzard, Rock Slide, or even Thunder just feels a little awkward even if you secure a takedown.
4Sergei Rachmaninoff
Piano Sonata No. 2 in B♭ minor, Op. 36

Grass - Classical
Objectively the best type on this list if you’re gonna look at Pokemon holistically with, y’know, its wealth of non-offensive potential and environmental scope, but since literally the whole point of Pokemon is beating the shit out of other Pokemon (or looking cute), Grass gets kinda left behind. Grass Pokemon come in all shapes and sizes but none of them are particularly relevant to most contemporary discussion. Woe. The big exception is Roserade (a.k.a. the Appassionata) which is a must for good Gen 4 teams and jaw-dropping playlists alike.
5REOL
Σ

Electric - Electro-pop
Too skitty and erratic to encompass the electronic genre as a whole, Electric is bangers and burnout in equal measure. It decimates Flying thanks to the (welcome) difference of attention span needed to appreciate it and has a way of shredding Water’s atmospheric qualities, but if you stick this in front of a Ground-type, you'll end up being brought low by the basics.
6My Bloody Valentine
m b v

Ice - Shoegaze
Essentially more robust Water with a more tactile quality that is often more trouble than it’s worth. Generally more fragile than Water types and with a wider pool of weaknesses, Ice just about makes up for things by its razor-sharp effectiveness in certain scenarios; in this day and age it’s more or less inviable to get by with out a couple of formidable Ice moves on your team, but if you go stuffing your whole team with Ice Pokemon you’ll end up as that kid who tries too hard at parties and melts when things get serious. Incredibly lethal against Dragon because whereas that type is in great denial of its homogeneity, Ice embraces its own and opens up a wealth of insecurity with great ease.
7Pantera
Vulgar Display of Power

Fighting - Groove metal
Stupid as fuck but packs a punch. Decimated by most vaguely sophisticated types but considerably more vicious than most of the other prosaic types when it comes to effectiveness. Literally the only type tastelessly powerful enough to take cheap shots against Normal.
8Bring Me The Horizon
There Is a Hell, Believe Me I've Seen It...

Poison - Metalcore
Started off as a neat idea with a promising cross-type mechanic but the more Poison Pokemon are released, the more apparent it becomes that this type has very little to offer the world outside of its own monumental wealth of bitterness. Most of the types it’s supposed to be super effective against don’t give a shit because their Pokemon are naturally stronger and a lot of the designs are plain unfortunate (and a little pitiful). The top end of the type has strong crossover tendencies with Bug, whereas the bottom end is literal trash. Pretty neat against Fairy because that type’s inferiority complex is vulnerable enough to be crushed by this one’s attainment complex.
9Billy Ray Cyrus
Some Gave All

Ground - Country
One-note and deceptively unambitious, this type has a habit of ravaging trainers who should have known better than to take its power for granted. And by power, I mean cheap predisposition to high damage regardless of the talents of the Pokemon using Ground-type moves. Literally every other hard-hitting move is Ground-type. Says a lot about our society. Hybrids with other types tend to have literally zero impact beyond than making the Pokemon weaker (poor ol’ Steelix), though props to Swampert (/Mazzy Star) for bringing out the best of both worlds. Garchomp is a terrifying fusion of Ground and Dragon that will one day destroy the world with its broken as shit stats, but not in a way that will make a particularly cool apocalypse movie. Completely useless against Flying due to lack of altitude (/dynamic scope).
10Do Make Say Think
Goodbye Enemy Airship the Landlord is Dead

Flying - Post-rock
Flying has its time and place and is one of those types that you wouldn’t want to pass by on any worthwhile playthrough, but let’s be real here - does anyone really consider Flying Pokemon a serious contender for their favourite type? It’s far more of a basic bitch type than its elegant aesthetic lets on, and it also has a disheartening tendency towards complete uselessness when confronted by other basic bitch types (looking at you, Ground and Rock). Pairs consistently well with normal and Skarmory is proof enough that a Flying/Steel split that balances its dual type can be damn near untouchable.
11Boards of Canada
Music Has the Right to Children

Psychic - IDM
Psychic is the type of a relatively select few, but those who use it are generally adroit at complex tactics, utilising superficially interesting status effects and dealing huge swathes of damage. Psychic type Pokemon vary from glass canons to overpowered sweepers, but its dual-types tend to be far weaker than the real deal (lol Claydol and Medicham). They also tend to be slightly overdependent on Psychic moves, but once you’re that far in, it’s easy to see why; Psychic is worthwhile enough to get away with being self-absorbed at times. Most reasonable trainers not enamoured with Psychic tend to be at least somewhat grateful of existence, if only for its ability to wipe Poison, Ghost and Fighting off the face of the earth every now and again.
12Monster Machismo
Aye Aye Porcupine

Bug - Math rock
Zany, endearing and burns through evolutions in an indecently short span of levels. If compound eyes aren’t nature’s metaphor for a polyrhythm, please tell me what is. Kind of the complete opposite of Grass despite being virtually interchangeable if reduced to unhelpful cursive details. Not afraid to stand up to Psychic or Dark and can end up being an unexpected hero. Terrified of Fire though and sometimes too fond of Flying-type crossovers for its own good.
13Kyuss
Welcome to Sky Valley

Rock - Stoner rock
Bizarrely reliable given its clear weaknesses and frequent speed issues, this type has enough raw power that you can sometimes get away with using it more or less exclusively. If that’s your thing.
14Talking Heads
Speaking in Tongues

Ghost - New wave
Neo-classical darkwave is obviously trve ghost, but the better representative is new wave, which should have died in the 80s but somehow still sticks around. Effective against Psychic because headaches and against itself because why wouldn’t it be. An easy type to forget the existence of outside of its Gen 1 glory days.
15Daughters
You Won't Get What You Want

Dark - Noise-rock
Whereas Poison is the type of hipster bugs and unfortunate fuckups, Dark is genuinely at least somewhat psychologically messed up and often quite self-conscious of this. It’s a little broken; here was a whole type designed for brutal type counters that ended up being a brittle mess outside of its few select uses. And yet, unlike poison, we still believe in Dark’s potential. It’s still our go-to when we run into Psychic and Ghost (which just cannot cope with it) and the myth of the Dark glass canon as a edgy but tormented force of twisted might retains its attraction.
16Ariana Grande
Sweetener

Dragon - Pop
Dragon represents a longstanding juggernaut that is most frequently countered by its own insatiable appetite for growth and endless power. When it hits, there’s no beating it, but when it starts spamming Outrage you just wish you hadn’t deleted Roar on your favourite sweeper and could just cancel that shit. Strong against Electric because it knows that type’s game and is having none of it. Also bullishly indifferent to Water, Fire and Grass-based particularities, while not afraid to borrow from them (well, not Grass) in certain circumstances. Unexpectedly weak to Fairy for reasons people are still trying to figure out.
17Cult of Luna
The Beyond

Steel - Post-metal
Supposedly an advanced form of Rock, this is considerably more complex and open to structural possibilities. It’s still slow as hell and swaps Rock’s weakness to the charm of Water for one to the impatience of Fire (but since in the real world steel is forged in fire, are they really so different? Ooh…). Steel-type moves have a healthy rate of crossover into hipster teams and are rarely disappointing in practice, even though pure Steel types can be a chore to work with.
18BLACKPINK
As If It's Your Last

Fairy - K-pop
The new kid on the block. Has earned its fair share of fans but also full of overblown faux-kawaii nauseation that brought us the least satisfying spin-off the Eeveelution series has seen so far. Tentative hopes for a great future.
Show/Add Comments (101)

STAFF & CONTRIBUTORS // CONTACT US

Bands: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Site Copyright 2005-2023 Sputnikmusic.com
All Album Reviews Displayed With Permission of Authors | Terms of Use | Privacy Policy