Kaiju Ranked
a few day ago, despite millenia of evolution sitting somewhere in my cerebral cortex, i watched the new godzilla movie, where all those big scaly plushies and furries slap each other around. Horseshit. List is giant monsters ranked. |
| 1 |  | Moth
First Second
Mothra
a moth. a giant moth. give it a giant jacket to chew on, or a giant lamp to bump into stupidly, it'll be busy for centuries. horseshit. 1/10 |
| 2 |  | Lizard
Spam
Godzilla
a lizard. a giant lizard. i have a friend who inherited a lizard from his creepy angsty depressive brother, it sat under a big lightbulb for days, and very occasionally placidly ate mulch. more horseshit. 2/10 |
| 3 |  | Pterodactyl
Worldwild
The fucking pterodactyl thing
With the way the US military runs things, let's face it, that oversized carrier pigeon would have been repurposed as a drone, or alternatively, transport of mexican immigrants back across the border. would probably have a confederate flag sticker on its wing. utter horseshit. 1/10 |
| 4 |  | Apes With Hobbies
Synthopathic
King Kong.
an ape. a giant ape. maybe set up a giant tire swing for him. maybe play him some planet of the apes. maybe give him a giant popsicle, and watch him eat it like a disgusting child, until everything in the vicinity is sticky. complete horseshit. 2/10 |
| 5 |  | Andre 3000
Look Ma No Hands
Andre the Giant
RIP. his favourite movie was probably My DInner with Andre. 5/10 |
| 6 |  | Kanye West
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
The Kardashian Arse
out of all the kaiju, this giant monster came closest to ending all civilization (culturally anyway). 4/10 for sheer menace. |
| 7 |  | Bakerloo
Bakerloo
Julien Baker's forehead
why do twee people who look like they're allergic to water always have such bland faces and giant foreheads? 2/10 |
| 8 |  | Nerd Alert
Demo 2009
All other nerd horseshit
antidepressants and game of thrones is no way to spend a life. try bocce ball. eat subway. and always remember. townes van zandt was never as good as they want you to think. |
| 9 |  | Taylor Swift
1989
Lemuel Gulliver
gets extra points for going from being a kaiju to the anti-kaiju to horse whisperer. 7/10 |
| 10 |  | Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq Diesel
Shaq
funny when falls over. 4/10 |
| 11 |  | Dicks
Kill From the Heart
Robert Wadlow
bypassed the average height of a Japanese person by 3ft and 5in, or 191 cm if you were educated properly. 5/10 |
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