Manatea
Mike Kaplan
Staff

Reviews 67
Soundoffs 3
Album Ratings 154
Objectivity 72%

Last Active 01-04-23 3:24 pm
Joined 07-02-22

Review Comments 2,215

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03.12.25 Hogwarts House Placements02.03.25 Ask manatea a question ♦
01.27.25 The January from Hell (literally)12.09.24 THE MANATEA AWARDS 2024 ♦
11.20.24 Albums I've missed - 2024 Edition08.05.24 Tea time
07.16.24 My overlooked second sputversary ♦06.10.24 Sputnik Summer Roast 2024 ♦
04.02.24 The GOOD and the BAD (April) - Folk ♦12.04.23 The Manatea Awards 2023 ♦
11.15.23 Rec me the albums I’m missing for a y10.22.23 (Mana)tea time - Still slaps?
07.23.23 The Great Sputnik Summer Roast-VOTING S07.02.23 One year sputversary/Sputnik appreciati ♦
05.16.23 (Mana)tea time - things I can’t get05.04.23 (Mana)tea time - gym recs/manatea says
04.14.23 (mana)tea time - sputnik zodiac ♦04.08.23 (Mana)tea time - Unnecessary Expenses
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(mana)tea time - sputnik zodiac

Welcome back to (mana)tea time, where I share my thoughts over a cup of tea. I am now going to share the sputnik zodiac with you, something which started as a little joke and then turned into a monster which I now need to share. I'm sure this has been done before, and none of these are even remotely accurate, but it was fun to write so here you go.
1Paul McCartney
Ram

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You are a sputnik community leader. Whether you are championing indie pop, blackgaze, folk-core, or bleeps and bloops, you are hard to ignore as your viewpoints can be rallied behind and people tend to support your ideas. Your natural leadership and asserted rightness are your greatest strengths, and despite the occasional stubbornness about your views, your qualities are part of the reason why sputnik is one of the best corners of the internet. You are a good organizer of the community and are likely to craft blog posts and steer the community in your direction. Your assertiveness can sometimes create friction, but it's all good-natured and you try to bridge the gaps in sput subcommunities. Your reviews (even if they are very occasionally stiff or gushing) are decisive and well-written. Sometimes they are also experimental in their creativity and are likely push sputnik reviews into new territory.
2Protest the Hero
Palimpsest

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): You are the hard-working, level-headed type of user sputnik needs to keep itself from falling apart. You are spare in your choice of words, but you always have something useful to say. You are trustworthy and loyal to your core of friends, to the sputnik community as a whole, and to your musical interests. You possibly stick with one or two broad genres of music, but your knowledge of these genres is unparalleled. You never seem to get too hyped about anything, which makes your approach to writing and being a community member very objective. You are, however, more stubborn than Aries is and when you get provoked you can be an implacable foe and will stop at nothing to prove your provocateurs wrong. As a reviewer you are productive, if a bit reliant on a formula. You write well, you write to the point, and you put enough time and effort into your work that it always hits the bulls-eye.
3Macklemore
GEMINI

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21): You are the consummate sputnik social butterfly. You are able to make friends with just about anyone because you are a master at making the right joke at the right time to diffuse most situations. You can find something to like in just about any album or genre and because of that you are able to break boundaries and associate with the core bros and the obscure indie new-age synthwave bros. You possibly choose to not write reviews yourself because you prefer the social activity and community aspect of sputnik more than the writing itself. You have a unique way of making people feel good. Your good vibes and chatterbox type activity can also sometimes make you seem like you are flighty or are superficial in your friendships, but that's not really the case. Your reviews (when you do them) are probably light-hearted and fun, utilizing humor and a conversational tone as a means of engaging the reader.
4The Prodigy
The Fat of the Land

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22): You are the type of user that loves to build up the people around you. You find happiness in helping other people find their voice as it helps you find your own. You tend to be positive in your outlook about music, other people, and the community vibe of sputnik. Watch out when people prod you the wrong way though! There's a reason crabs have pincers, and yours can pinch just as sharply as the rest. Even when they do though, you're one of the first to try and mellow things out because you have a caring and nurturing attitude. Your reviews are slanted towards making sure people get something out of it. You want people to leave your write-ups feeling good because that's what you're all about. Whether that means good humor, good advice, or even just recommending good coffee in the comments, your whole approach is to uplift, and sputnik loves you for it.
5Glass Cloud
The Royal Thousand

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): You are decisive, talkative, and just don’t give a fuck. You don't steal the show because you [i]are[/i] the show and you know it. You listen to what you want to listen to and say what you want to say. You like to be heard, you like to be seen, and most of the time you command the attention and respect of everyone around you (sometimes at the expense of others). You bring the laughs, the fun, the cringe, and the controversy to sputnik because you thrive in a lively environment. Unfortunately sometimes the drama can be a bit too much for others, and you may find yourself creating a situation you didn't intend. Underneath the dramatic exterior though, you are as cuddly as a teddy bear and really love your friends. As a writer, you can jump from short, razor-sharp reviews to long-winded grandiose odysseys without a second thought. Regardless of what kind of review you're writing though, it's sure to either be thought-provoking or hysterically funny.
6Madonna
Like a Virgin

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Your approach to sputnik is the same as your approach to life, methodical, precise, and planned. You have an encyclopedic knowledge of at least two (but perhaps not more than five) genres and will dabble in others for fun. Your stringent standards for excellence can sometimes leave you feeling burdened with a sense of unwanted anxiety about getting it just right, but your presence is loved and your reviews are great so it usually just goes away. You are very easy-going about your views (even though you know you're pretty much always right). You probably have a master database (programmed in SQL) of all reviews you have written that can be cross-referenced and indexed by genre, key words, and how good the album art is. Your reviews take time, and are crafted down to a science. Highly specific, informative and well-written, they can also (vary rarely) degenerate into long-winded gushing or hate writing, depending on your mood.
7Metallica
...And Justice for All

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23): You are the balancing force of sputnik. You are always seeking a balance of music and are the most likely to have the broadest range of musical interests. You also are a natural mediator and seek to bring balance to sputnik. You possibly do not interact with the sputnik community as much as others because you only jump in when you are either a) needed or b) when you find something really good. You probably try to mediate or build bridges between other users, but may also avoid conversation because in your quest for harmony and balance, you can become easily rankled by someone attacking you or your views. As a writer you are always trying to combine various elements of what makes a good review and harmonize them, whether that is humor and wit, life observations, or technical mumbo-jumbo.
8Emarosa
Sting

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21): You are the mystery man of sputnik. You're hard to read and are profoundly deep when it comes to both your interaction with other users and your musical taste. You're just as likely to do a deep dive into avant-garde jazz as you are into baroque classical or radio rock. You probably don't interact with people very much outside of your writing because you are a deeply private individual, and this sort of activity generates a sput magnetism that is hard to ignore. You are seeking spiritual fulfillment with music and are a necessary component to the sputnik community, because your deep connection to music and your love of finding something new and enlightening are the bridge between those relatively unknown corners of the music world and the sputnik user base. Your reviews are profound and thought-provoking. In rare instances though, your thoughts are too deep for others to truly comprehend, but a vast majority of the time your views what push sputnik forward.
9Sagittarius
Present Tense

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): You are free-spirited and good natured about music and sputnik; more than anything you're just trying to have a good time. Be careful though, you sometimes might find yourself feeling detached from something you're trying to get into because you've already moved onto the next thing. You have no problem communicating your thoughts or feelings, and have a tendency to wear your heart on your sleeve and communicate raw honesty as you see it. You also don't seem to care about conventions or accepted behavior patterns and kind of just do your own thing. Sometimes this might make you come across as tactless or lacking musical taste, but you're always in good spirits about it so nobody stays upset. You are a natural communicator and as a writer, you are likely to try new things and play around with your style. Your reviews tend to be shorter due to your short attention span, but your natural humor and relaxed writing style help to elevate your reviews.
10Capricorn
Capricorn

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): You are hard-working and determined to rise to the top of the sputnik elite. It doesn't matter whether that means being staff, the ultimate list maker, or just having the most comments, you're gonna keep going until you achieve it, and we want you on the team. Your ambitious approach lends to you constantly trying to improve your work and improve yourself overall, but sometimes your constant focus on keeping up and pushing forward might turn into feeling like you're just following the latest trend. While achieving your goals is your mission, you need reminders to take a step back and smell the roses sometimes. Your ambition and determination to improve sputnik and keep it being the best website on the internet is admirable though, and we love you for it. You are constantly striving to improve and are willing to try new things with your writing style to find something that suits you, and once you do lock in what you're trying to do, it's golden.
11Haken
Aquarius

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): You are a mysterious sign that is as equally charming as you are absent. You might be gone for months at a time, and then come in and make a post that draws the attention of the whole sputnik community, only to then disappear again. You are progressive and unique in your approach to being a sputnik member and you like to push the envelope of logical thought and accepted patterns. You can come across as aloof or uncaring at times, but you do care about the community as a whole and also about pushing things forward. You also have your own thoughts about music that may defy what is considered normal and this is reflected in your diverse and sometimes confusing pie chart. Your reviews are reflective of your unique (and sometimes contrarian) views, but they're darn good.
12Pisces
A Lovely Sight

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20): Your sputnik energy is diverse. You are perceptive and have an absurd attention to detail that makes us other sputters envious. You are where you are when you need to be always somehow and can uplift people as easily as you can bring the smack down. You somehow know the exact right thing to say in the exact right situation, but whether statement is mean to make people laugh, bring controversy, or provoke conversation is never quite predictable. You have an intuitive insight into people despite and your presence brings a slight magic touch to the environment. Your shifting energies can make you moody or leave you feeling misunderstood. Don't worry though, we all still love you. As a writer you channel the collective power of the sputnik zodiac to produce pieces which are most excellent. Due to the energy required though, your output is sometimes less than it could or should be. Nevertheless, you're an artist at heart, so you like your reviews to be art.
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