Kidz Bop is one of those products that no one seems to care about. Not like we should or anything. One listen to it is all you need to know about it: covers of (more often than not) terrible pop songs sung by children. For about 15 years, ‘Razor & Tie Entertainment’ (the home of bands like Attila, Sworn In, and the Wiggles) have put volumes upon volumes of Kidz Bop out at record pace. In 2015 alone, 4 numbered volumes of Kidz Bop were produced. Why the KIDZ BOP Kids haven’t organized some sort of walkout or demonstration against this sort of abuse is beyond me. But this wasn’t the case back in 2001. No, the original Kidz Bop was alone in its release that year; a single stone that would be the foundation to an empire.
The album begins with an obvious choice, one familiar to anyone who was listening to the radio in Mid-2001: Smash Mouth’s ‘All Star’, a choice that immediately lets you know the next hour will be magical. After trudging through that mess, you’re then blasted with a cover of ‘Oops!...I Did It Again’ by Britney Spears, one that's even more grating than the last, complete with terrible production, horrid vocals, and some really jarring dialogue thrown in. If anything, this version made me like the original song more, which says something about the quality of music we're dealing with here.
Speaking of the terrible production, I would like to formally apologize to every sound engineer on planet Earth. You deserve more credit than I could've ever imagined. Every song on this volume of Kidz Bop is produced with the delicate hand of someone trying to fold wet cardboard. I can only tolerate midi drum presets for so long until I just want to tune out. And I'm not certain there are real guitars on this album. I think I heard one on their cover of Backstreet Boys's 'I Want It That Way,' but I guess the session musician found his self-respect catching the bus and wanted to go catch it before it left for good this time.
I could go into detail describing every song, painstakingly trying to articulate why it just doesn't work, but that wouldn't make for a very interesting read. I'll finish off this discussion by saying that what I’ve discovered listening to this album is that there is no light at the end of the tunnel; no sweet release of death. It doesn’t stop. It never stops. Every track is more mind-numbing than the last, each one finding new ways to disappoint me. Sixpence None the Richer’s ‘Kiss Me,’ a song I actually tolerate, could not escape the clutches of the KIDZ BOP Kids. Songs I hate (e.g. Sugar Ray’s ‘Fly,’ Lenny Kravitz’s ‘Fly Away’) were somehow made even worse. Leaving all that behind, there was in fact (if you can believe it) a reason I was compelled to review this in the first place.
Now, looking at the tracklist, you might say Matchbox Twenty or Third Eye Blind would’ve gotten the short end of the stick, in terms of "decent" artists getting butchered on this album. But there’s one song here that made me realize something about this particular volume of Kidz Bop. An epiphany, if you will. I have but one question to ask: Did anyone need a Kidz Bop version of ‘MMMBop?’
Really think about it for a minute, ponder it, savor it like your favorite scent. I don't know about you, but I was led to believe that Kidz Bop was manufactured so that protective parents could regulate what their children listen to. Never in my life have I heard a parent forbid their child from listening to ‘MMMBop’ because of its lyrical content. Christ, Hanson were kids at the time anyway, further making this cover pointless. Why cover it? What's to be gained from this (besides money, work with me here okay)? And then it occurred to me, that most, if not all, of the lyrics on this volume of Kidz Bop have remained intact. As far as I can tell, there hasn’t been a single change to any line of any song on this entire album. This is in stark contrast with the Kidz Bop of today, and looking back, I suppose it's not that surprising why this is. As popular music began to gravitate towards music with more profane language, radio stations were forced to censor curse words or cut them out altogether. And while the censorship in popular music dates back to the 1940s and earlier, it has become even more rampant in today's world. The idea that art should be experienced the way an artist intended it to be experienced isn’t very innovative, but this idea has proven difficult to put into action.
Now, Kidz Bop began at a time were popular music was still very diverse. Nu-metal shared the airwaves with squeaky-clean pop acts and everything in-between; they all found a home somewhere on the Billboard Hot 100. This allowed the Kidz Bop masterminds to cherry pick, choosing to cover relatively clean songs, as opposed to other hits of 2001 (which include Blu Cantrell’s ‘Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)’ and Destiny's Child’s ‘Bootylicious’). In 2016, there aren’t too many choices when it comes to kid-friendly chart toppers. There are less choices for kid-friendly covers now more than ever and I suppose Kidz Bop had to adapt to this shift by composing some of their own lyrics for the newer volumes of Kidz Bop. However, the first volume of KIDZ BOP Kids’ Kidz Bop is special in its own awful way, bringing the horrors of child karaoke to a mass audience. No gimmicks, no lyrical changes. Just terrible covers of arguably terrible pop songs. I admire it's simplicity, if anything. And while this album is dreadfully terrible, it was only the beginning. Here my friends, here we were given our first glimpse at the horror that is the KIDZ BOP Kids, the aftershocks of which are still being felt today. Hopefully (for my own sake), this franchise will be put out of commission soon, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
