Review Summary: But, Lars, I did go to my computer and hit the button 'Find my iPhone,' and it tracked it to the Copenhagen airport...
...and then the dot disappeared. On
Hardwired...To Self Destruct I only hear 'moments'... no, wait. That term might eventually lead one to affirm that this "Has its moments" and that would be as misleading as the tracks Metallica had premiered before its official release. That would almost be as misleading as a flame is to a moth. "Rare occurrences" is the right way to put it. See, whether it's an interesting riff, or a bridge melody that on first listen might sound hooky, or a chorus that makes sense--those are occurrences rarely to be found collectively on the same track. Metallica present a fickle mix of all the musical 'ideas' they produced during the past eight years: after driving their kids to school, before auctioneering paintings, while ranch-gazing or surfing, etc--their homework, so to speak. "Oh, say what? you lost your phone with all that? Then shut the *** up and let me and James do tallica... Ye, no ifs or buts, KIRK... don't ask me what ur supposed to do... dunno, go breed horses with wah."
At times, the results border delusional; it's like they try to fit a square peg in a round hole. The most solid piece of evidence is "ManUNkind" where Metallica start mingling time signatures before introducing the verse. They continue doing so during the whole 'composition', which eventually manifests into a cluster*** of confused riffs and nonsensical progressions--a molestation of rhythm & reason. They just don't know how to dip into the 3/4s or 7/4s or 13/4s or whatever the *** they think they're doing, let alone blend them into a graceful musical outcome. I don't even want to imagine how much time they wasted on that one; I don't want to visualise Lars messing the count numerous times[and no J.K. Simmons around], and Kirk sweating to nail it, and Hetfield adding hyphens, trying to spell his lyrics 'round the rhythm. And Trujillo trying to explain stuff or doing nothing. The thing that bugs me the most is that come 4m7s I hear what could have turned out as a normal chorus. I'm talking about that ten-second passage that leads into the boring solo. That part makes sense, and they could have made a nice little 3.0 song had they focused on spreading it out or building around it. But, guess what, they only used that part twice during the whole song, and the second time didn't even make that much sense. Those are the type of occurrences-that-should-have-been-central-ideas-that-could-have-been-songs I'm talking about; they're scattered all over weird places and make me consider that the only thing Metallica nailed down properly is the album's title.
The only track on disc 2 that bears some redeeming features is the closer. The machinegun-isms of the opening riff, the simple fills between those bursts, and the verse melody are some decent moments; plus, the second time around, those couple of notes by Hammet as James utters "Accelerate, Utopian solution..." make more dynamic sense than all the solos he takes. Sure, that specific part might just as well be an Ixnay On The Hombre b-side from the '90s and, sure, Noodles would have the balls to stand ground and put those two decent notes of his higher in the mix, but after two discs of modern-day-tallica, such simple stuff comes as a blessing. Speaking of production qualities, the problems aren't limited to Hammet's parts being lower in the mix when they should be higher, or the other way 'round (which takes the lions' share). The sonic results fluctuate throughout this release. There are songs where you can hear Rob's bass and there are others where it's Justice for James & Lars. There are moments when James' vocals--who, truth be told, sounds as he had good intentions coming into this and limited his post-Black-Album-YEAAH suffixes to a minimum--seem sonically out of place like they were thrown on the tracks after the mastering was completed. Some parts are compressed while other sound completely "unattended", and the list goes on and on. The only staple is Lars--a true Atlas, bearing the weight on his shoulders, holding it all together, fine and dandy, and dull.
Anyway, I'm neither bold nor qualified enough to go find him and explain how this is still not quite my tempo. My guess is that Metallica will tour for the next year or so, promoting this release, and they'll be asked to play more of the classics; and because deep down Lars knows business better than kits--gradually, they'll do so. Half of their set being
Hardwired... will drop down to half an hour, then to 20 minutes, and, finally, it'll settle around a couple of tunes. They might even enjoy a cheer or two when throwing the t/t, "Moth" or "Spit Out The Bone"--in other words, the dog and pony show that took place before this release and the song that ends it--and that's all we'll ever remember from Hardwired when/if their next album materialises. Some of you might think that I sound harsh or ungrateful, especially towards Lars. In all honesty, you might be right. I should be grateful 'cause this could have turned out a lot worse. For one thing, this time he was right to get pissed: Kirk could have kept a close watch over that 250-musical-ideas phone of his. For another, if what I'm entertaining is true--and the scolding has been just his alibi--then, even more power to him.
2.2/5
