Review Summary: Avril Lavigne would definitely say what the hell to this.
Watershed is an unmitigated disaster. Fairy tail atmospherics, 60 minute acoustic interludes, disco, doom/death/progressive/idon’tenoughknow metal is in this album, but not even in a sensible way. Every second they’re turning up the drama to the level of when you walk into a bar in Baldur’s Gate - the chatter and “atmospherics” are corny as ***. Their attempt at creating a modern day epic has abysmally failed. Songwriting is akin to pouring a bucket of sewage into my morning Cheerios, it doesn’t mix, like your bitch and me, and that’s why I texted her to leave me alone last night. I will literally call the cops on her dumb ass.
I’ll admit that guitarist can do some wankey dankey sweeps, and I’ll even admit that if I was a ***ing child I might cum in the CD’s bunghole in secret, but I am a man. The truth must be spoken…. this album sucks real time ass. The band have bi-polar disorder to say the least, they can’t decide if they wanna be a soft rock band or the most insane metal yet with demonic Cookie Monster getting raped typo screams. They even got some flamenco Spanish guitar ***, and it sounds pointless. I don’t even know who they are anymore.
But here comes the band again with a 1000 minute guitar riff that plays in the same pattern yet again, with the double pass pummeling my eardrums senseless, and I think to myself, “wouldn’t a simpler beat suffice and also not annoy my pants off?”. But no, the pummeling metal must continue because it’s metal, I guess. The songwriting sucks, dude is cycling through 50 different song sections in every song like your child trying to decide what movie to watch ugggh I wanna dropkick somebody. Make up your damn mind. The singer sounds like a rambling old grandpa telling a story to his ***ing grandchildren, but they don’t wanna hear it cause grandpa is insane and coked up and probably gonna feed them Kraft Dinner for a living by throwing it at them. So just like that, Opeth are feeding me bull***, and I hate eating a bull’s ***. Not even seasoning can make that taste good, and that’s what Opeth tried and epically failed at doing.
But this gets even worse. The “progressive” part is “progressive” because the songs are super long. I can’t even listen to 5 minutes of this without taking a *** and taking my box of Cheerios to the bathroom. The album is like Martin Luther King Jr. making a speech, but in this case it’s really bad and somehow insulting and Will Smith ain’t having it. But that would be in a parallel universe, and not even in a parallel universe is this catchy. The choruses are non-existent, every song is like a bucket of soup, but you have grown tiny size and must wade through it while wearing lead boots. It doesn’t get anywhere, and it’s not entertaining.
Recommended songs: songs from other bands.
