Manatea
Mike Kaplan
Staff

Reviews 67
Soundoffs 3
Album Ratings 154
Objectivity 72%

Last Active 01-04-23 3:24 pm
Joined 07-02-22

Review Comments 2,215

 Lists
03.12.25 Hogwarts House Placements02.03.25 Ask manatea a question ♦
01.27.25 The January from Hell (literally)12.09.24 THE MANATEA AWARDS 2024 ♦
11.20.24 Albums I've missed - 2024 Edition08.05.24 Tea time
07.16.24 My overlooked second sputversary ♦06.10.24 Sputnik Summer Roast 2024 ♦
04.02.24 The GOOD and the BAD (April) - Folk ♦12.04.23 The Manatea Awards 2023 ♦
11.15.23 Rec me the albums I’m missing for a y10.22.23 (Mana)tea time - Still slaps?
07.23.23 The Great Sputnik Summer Roast-VOTING S07.02.23 One year sputversary/Sputnik appreciati ♦
05.16.23 (Mana)tea time - things I can’t get05.04.23 (Mana)tea time - gym recs/manatea says
04.14.23 (mana)tea time - sputnik zodiac ♦04.08.23 (Mana)tea time - Unnecessary Expenses
More »

The Great Sputnik Summer Roast-VOTING STAGE

I’ve decided to start a new Sputnik tradition. Let’s see if it catches on. Welcome to the GREAT SPUTNIK SUMMER ROAST! This is where you get to poke fun at people (not unlike most of you do already) and get recognition and accolades for it! Everyone is allowed to participate and no one is excluded from being roasted. Ready for the rules? Here we go!
1DreamWeaver (JP)
blue garden

No one is initially excluded. All may be roasted. If someone doesn’t want to be roasted they are allowed to comment here and they are to be respected. Any violations of that will result in disqualification.

I’m updating this to include those who do not want to be roasted. Their wishes are to be adhered to.

Exclusions: MarsKid
2Closure in Moscow
First Temple

You are allowed to roast a maximum of THREE users. This can be all staff, all contribs, all users or any combination thereof. Each roast must be its OWN comment. For example, let’s say you want to roast Storm in a Teacup, myself, and then YoYoMancusco. You would put up three separate comments with your roasts.
3Circa Survive
Blue Sky Noise

I will update this (when I have the time) with the juiciest, spiciest, funniest roasts I can find. As this is my roast, I get to be the judge.
4The Dillinger Escape Plan
One of Us Is the Killer

At a certain point (which I am not sure yet, I will decide), I will close off the roast, at which point the funniest items will be noted and you—the roasters and roastees—get to VOTE on who the best roast was! Not totally sure how this is going to work yet but it’s gonna be great, I can feel it. Anyway, the winner gets bragging rights as the best jokester of the year!
5The Motion Mosaic
Limbo Conditions

Rules: You cannot exceed three roasts.
No denigrating or obviously offensive language allowed (e.g. racist, sexist, or just plain gross). This is a music website.
The whole idea is that we’re poking fun at each other, not trying to stab each other with knives. Have fun, be good-natured, have a good time. I know that’s a lot to ask but like… please try.
6Protest the Hero
Fortress

From Butkuiss (gets automatic entry for being the brave first soul with a proper roast)

“The way Park shouts into the void commenting four or five times in a row on dead threads makes me wonder whether they’ve got this site confused with their old livejournal account”
7Mastodon
Hushed and Grim

From pizzamachine:

“Unconfirmed sources say mynameischan is an angry housewife that lives with their ex husband and his new life partner cause they pay the bills. Rumours say it gets loud at night, and that chan sleeps soundly.”
8Dua Lipa
Future Nostalgia

From PotsyTater:

“What’s the difference between Colton and The Beach Boys?

“The Beach Boys still have Friends on Sputnik”
9The Dillinger Escape Plan
One of Us Is the Killer

From Kompys2000:

“ We got uhh we got Ryus in the house tonight folks, give it up for Ryus everyone... Yeah, he'll gaslight you, but not cuz he likes the Smiths, right... He's just gotta convince us all that a band called "Urinals" not only exists but has a 5/5 album”
10Greyhaven
Empty Black

From Koris:

“Sowing's the type of guy who would spend a paycheck at Hot Topic on slim-fit shirts, only to have them shrink 3 sizes and think they'd still fit”
11Chamber (USA)
A Love to Kill For

From YoYoMancuso:

“unlike wild manatees, Manatea actually deserves to get hit by a motorboat.”
12Return to Forever
Romantic Warrior

From DadKungFu:

“Gnocchi is heavy and starchy, with too much olive oil, and undersalted”
13Charli XCX
Charli

From Pots:

“Hawks puts the “MEN” in “DEVELOPMENTALLY CHALLENGED””
14Chat Pile
God's Country

From Jesper:

“dedex is french”
(Being included because only Jesper…)
15Charlie Puth
Voicenotes

From Kompys2000:

“Who else is here, we've got JohnnyoftheWell here tonight, the famous Johnnyofthewell... we're lucky to have the guy working so hard for us, making sure no user is ever in danger of actually enjoying a metalcore album! Seriously though, folks, It's refreshing to see someone who can keep his politics from influencing his taste... those ratings might need affirmative action even worse than Harvard, heyo! Topical joke!”
16The Dear Hunter
The Color Spectrum

From pizzamachine:

“I see Manatea’s here. What an innocent heart and pure soul. Also naive as fuck. I mean, c’mon, the guy starts a roast challenge and expects it to be civil? On Sputnikmusic of all places? A place where people will rip you a new asshole and shit on your family tree cause your rating was disagreeable. Man, did this Manatea guy just come out of the womb or something? Haha I’ll give props to you man, people love ya man. Give it a few years and everyone will hate ya, that’s how Sputnik works. Enjoy your stay Mr. Manatea, it won’t last long. And what’s with your username? You’re really channeling your inner Grandma haha. Anyway, give it up for Mr. Manatea folks.”
17Chepang
Swatta

From JOTW:

“gotta hand it to Ryus, he attained previously impossible levels of swagger for boi walking around town with all two scaly inches of parksungjoon's tongue permanently embedded between his arsecheeks. any less exposure and it would be impossible to sustain those claims that mbv's sEnSuAl nothingsongs make for anything approaching the greatest musicband of all history - a fair trade by rym zoomer standards”
18Silent Planet
Iridescent

From Manatea:

“Watching Johnny flex his vocabulary when he goes into a vitriolic rant for one of his sput spats, hate reviews or shitposts is kind of like watching a painter meticulously grinding and mixing his own colors to perfection only to just splash paint on a wall or paint stick figures.”
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